Lost Recap: The Man from Tallahassee

I think the writers and I are on the same page. John Locke has not made the right decision on anything in his life. The man is a walking disaster. This was highlighted beautifully last night when he was JACKED UP by his con artist pseudo dad. Awesome. Guess that proves you should never turn your back on elderly men. They can hip check you through windows. It really took them three seasons to decide how Locke ended up in a wheelchair? This is what they came up with? Really?

Basically we learned the following from this episode:

1.) John Locke is a moron. We already knew that, but it helped to get even more evidence of this. Dude, blowing up subs isn't cool. Unless of course you are Jack Ryan and you are doing it to mask the defection of the Red October. So, John Locke you are no Jack Ryan.

2.) Ben is evil and manipulative. Duh. Also something we already knew, but it was pretty sweet how he got Locke to do his bidding.

3.) There is an awesome magic box on the island that gives you whatever you want. I need access to said box. If I was in front of it, I am guessing Elisha Cuthbert would pop out naked with buffalo wings and labatt. And uh, that would rock obviously.

4.) Alex might be hot. I can't decide. Sometimes she is and sometimes she isn't. I need more evidence.

5.) The following people should die painfully: Locke, Charlie, and the annoying spanish dude (one of the random survivors that recently popped up that will probably die soon like the random crew members on Star Trek).

All in all I liked this episode, we finally got the answer to why Locke was a cripple and we learned about a super sweet magic box. Hehe, box. Yes I am 12.

Lost Recap

So after last night's Lost I think everyone can agree with me that John Locke should be shot out of a cannon into the sun. The man is a freaking moron. Every single decision he has made in his life has been wrong. Please, I beg you to tell me one intelligent choice he has made. I bet he thinks the Bay of Pigs and the Iraq War were genius ideas. Tardcart.

So, to recap, Locke/Sayid/Kate's Ass/Crazy French Lady wander the woods because Locke saw writing on Eco's cane that said go north (another genius move). They find some sort of farm with horses and cats. So they plan to send Sayid unarmed up to the house, while they stand and watch. Yeah, I like this plan...no way someone could put two holes in Sayid's head before Locke/Kate's Ass can take him out. Gay.

Of course Sayid takes one in the shoulder from One Eyed Boris and they fall into the usual, "HE'S ONE OF THEM/NO HE ISN'T" plots while Locke masturbates to gay porn on an Apple 2E err, I mean plays chess. Meanwhile, Sayid has flashback to the time one of his torture victims kidnaps him and gets revenge. Only one thing to say about that flashback: that torture victim was a horrid actress. Way to over emote. So you got burned, big whoop. Suck it up pussy.

Back in real time, it turns out One Eyed Boris is an Other who it seems took part in the killing of all the Dharma people. What? So they beat his ass and tie him up leaving Locke in charge to guard him (excellent choice). Sayid/Kate find operating manuals in the basement along with a shit ton of C4 (which doesn't seem to phase anyone) and one of the psychic hotline others from last season.
Of course upstairs Locke decides to play chess instead of, you know, watching the creepy one eyed guy who just tried to kill them. He beats the game and it reverts to a quicktime movie (I was hoping for Teen Screamers 2, but alas it was our Japanese Dharma buddy) who gives him a list of options to contact the outside world. Of course none of them work and before he can "alert of an attack by the outsiders", One Eyed Boris attacks him.

When Sayid/Kate/Psychic Hotline Chick come upstairs, Boris is holding Locke hostage, and everyone screams at each other for five minutes (a la Reservoir Dogs) and Boris shoots Psychic Hotline. Yeah, I didn't see that one coming.

So they ransack the house while Locke continues to play chess (jesus he sucks) and march outside. Crazy Frenchie wants to kill Boris, but Sayid wants him alive. I'm sure he will die next week. Locke comes out smiling (which is a bad sign) and informs everyone he alerted the Dharma folks via the Apple. Then the hut blows up. Good one fag shoes.

Oh I forgot the gay side plot with ping pong. It was so useless I almost passed out.

Overall, I'd give it a 6. I like it for adding good points about how Locke should die. I didn't like the flashback or the Gilligan Ping Pong side plot.