Thursday, February 28, 2008

Old People Try Too Hard

Well, the only really strong sports news lately (if you don't count Yao Ming getting broken, just completely Andy Dufresne'ing my fantasy basketball team) was GW making fun of Manny and his dead grandpeople (which was, admittedly, awesome), so we turn back to the world of music, where we've proven one more age-old adage: old people who try to sound hip usually suck.

Mariah Carey, widely known for peaking at age 20, flipping her shit on MTV's Cribs, having ridiculous fake boobs and having sex with a diving Derek Jeter (luckily, she wasn't seven feet to his left, or they never would have hooked up), has released a new single called "Touch my Body" (which you can listen to on just about every radio station in the country, if life is no longer worth living).

Here are the opening lines to Ms. Carey's current bon mot:

If there's a camera up in here, then it's gonna leave with me
When I do (I do)
If there's a camera up in here then I'd best not catch this flick
On YouTube (YouTube)
'Cause if you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous,
I will hunt you down

So wait - she's doing some dude, but she's worried he's going to tape her getting railed. Her worry about said taping is that it will land on YouTube. Her defense, then, is to inform the inferred gentleman that "(she) will hunt (him) down." Got it.

That shit's crazy, kids - Mariah Carey scares the living God out of me. What a song formula - check how this worked out:

  • Direct implication of sluttiness? CHECK
  • Intimation of taping sex act? CHECK
  • Awkward use of modern media that "the kids" use? BIG FUCKING CHECK
  • Death threat (either real or implied)? OH, YEP - CHECK
This record should come hermetically sealed with Agent Orange, with a heavy dusting of silver nitrate on the album so we can mark all of the absolute retards in one fell swoop - instead of the scarlet letter, welcome to the blue-hands 'tard coalition. Instead of a "Parental Guidance" sticker, it should just have a photo of record companies raping children, because how on Earth does this record get a green light?

Just out of curiosity, how many times do you think Mariah Carey, the human shitshow that brought you Glitter, has actually gone onto YouTube to do anything? Remember, she's not exactly a MENSA candidate - I'd guess she can't even "surf" her shiny ass to YouTube, there's just no chance she would even know the URL. YouTube? Seriously? I'd be much more worried about RedTube at this point in your career, you decrepit, irrelevant douche - seriously, the sooner you actually leak a sex tape, the more I'll actually care about you. For ten minutes. Then I'll take a nap.

1 comment:

cseguin said...

"having sex with a diving Derek Jeter (luckily, she wasn't seven feet to his left, or they never would have hooked up)"

Derek Jeter fielding jokes are never not funny.