Monday, July 30, 2007

Celtics trade

Garnett to the Celtics in a deal including Al Jefferson? Danny Ainge, say it ain't so.,

Edited to add: Ok, Bill Simmons brought up a good point, that the Celts basically were able to wait out a higher price, in that they reportedly offered Jefferson and the #5 pick earlier this summer, and were turned down at the time. I'm still a bit skeptical on how the team will do with no other supporting cast, but it should be interesting at the very least.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Worst Week in Sports Ever?

It really seems like this past week was a pretty shitty one for professional sports. Let's recap:

1.) Michael "Ookie" Vick gets indicted on dog fighting charges. Seriously, the details in the case are horrific. Electrocution? Beating deaths? Drownings? I mean, I was never a Michael Vick fan, but this guy really seems like a monster. How can he ever play a game for the Faclons or for any NFL team again? The only hilarious thing about this whole mess is that the Faclons totally fucked themselves by trading away the Schwab. I bet Petrino is really excited to have taken this job. Jesus, almost like choosing to be a postman in the Ninth Ward in July 2005. Too soon?

2.) The NBA gambling scandal. Tim Donaghy can eat a bag of dicks. I haven't been a fan of the NBA in a long time, but I still follow the Suns from time to time. To think that it is possible that Donaghy had a bias in the Spurs/Suns series (and really if you watched, how could you not think that?) really just kills any interest I had left in the NBA. I really feel like a good number of casual fans will probably never take the NBA seriously again. Really, Stern better be scared. This very possibly could be the beginning of the end.

3.) Barry Bonds still on the verge of breaking the home run record. Yeah, he still sucks. Can't he hurry and break it so that ESPN can stop having a season long orgasm over this? Thanks.

4.) Tour De France. Not that this really counts as a sport, but apparently everyone keeps getting caught doping and they are blowing up pieces of the course with small bombs. Nice going France. You can't even handle a non sport properly. Kill selves.

5.) NASCAR. This should be on every list of why sports are going down the drain. IT IS CARS GOING IN A FUCKING CIRCLE. Doesn't anyone notice this? Why in this country are there millions of jacktards willing to sit and watch cars GO IN A CIRCLE? Are we that stupid? Wait, don't answer that.

So, yeah. Hopefully something good happens next week. Probably not.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Stay Dan Patrick...or at least take Cowherd with you...

Dan Patrick is leaving ESPN, as I'm sure everyone has heard by this point. ESPN personalities have received quite a bit of criticism over the years, a lot of it deserved, but Patrick has been great for a number of years. As I've said before on this blog, I grew up in Bristol, so I was surrounded by ESPN for most of my life, and I was lucky enough to cover them for the local paper for a handful of stories. I was able to speak with a number of the big personalities over there for interviews; some were extremely friendly (Karl Ravech, Rob Dibble, Rich Eisen, Charley Steiner, Berman) and some were not (Olbermann, Stuart Scott). Patrick goes squarely into the nice category, as he took a half hour after a press conference to speak with me about sports journalism, the life of a SportsCenter anchor, and all the responsibilities and commitments that go with it. Two years later, I talked to him for another story, and he remembered speaking with me, asking me where I was going to college, and giving me encouragement to continue pursuing a journalism career.

Throughout the years, while other ESPN personalities seemed to sacrifice their journalistic integrity and bleed more onto the entertainment side, Patrick kept a measure of integrity, both on TV and on radio. He was one of the few who seemed to understand how to blend in the entertainment element without losing sight of ESPN being a sports network. I don't think any of the other big-time ESPN personalities (save for Peter Gammons) would have been able to pull off the interview with David Stern after the Phoenix-San Antonio "Steve Nash body-check" game. Patrick didn't back down, and was able to ask some tough questions, questions that are all-too-rare from the biggest of the ESPN personalities these days.

ESPN will be worse off without Patrick, and hopefully he finds success in his next opportunity.

Thursday, July 19, 2007


Lost in the hullabaloo over the pirating of the final installment of the Harry Potter saga is the fans reaction. Most of the negative comments I have been reading are from the publisher about how much money this is costing them. Due to their medium (paper) and length, books don't translate as easily to the digital world as music does. But if a book should come around that everyone positively must have, don't be surprised if some loser takes the time and risk to steal a book and photograph every single page. Just like sex addicts, the extreme fans of the book won't care where they can get it, just that they get it. I will still read the book in print form but I will most likely read the chapter summaries on wikipedia beforehand.
As a bonus, the fan fiction for Harry Potter will begin shortly after this last book drops. Depending on who dies, (my pick is Ron and Hagrid, the least photogenic of the main characters), this could lead to a whole new world of fun. The trekkies have been creating episodes of their beloved Star Trek for years and what better way for a budding young writer to get started than to write a short story about Hermione being raped by the mystic pygimies of Malfortunin and Ron having to avenge this injustice with his raging rod of red fury. Some titles to throw around are Neville Longbottom and the Water Closet of Fortune, Luna Lovegood and the Flail of Fertitility, and of course Ron Weasley and the Curse of the Hairy Palm.

Just wrong search of the day: Alex Mack Nude

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Movie Review: Transformers

Holy fucking shit, that movie sucked.

I mean, I was actually stupider for having watched that. This is coming from a guy who has watched National Lampoon's Dorm Daze all the way through (I have serious problems). What I can't believe is that this movie got decent reviews. Is everyone on crack? Or did Hasbro pay critics off with toys to give this steaming pile a good review?

I'd give a plot synopsis, but nothing really happens in this movie that makes a lick of sense. John Turturro (who blackmailed him to be in this turd?) gets doused in some sort of fluid from a transformers crotch. Yes, you heard me right. I think the plot might have involved some sort of cube that creates life in inanimate objects. Or something. I was too busy laughing hysterically whenever Optimus Prime spoke. Since this is a Michael Bay movie, I was hoping he would tell Shia he would "take pleasure in gutting you, boy". Sadly it was not to be.

The only saving graces of this movie is the animated performance of Shia Lebouf and the ridiculous hotness of Megan Fox. I'd probably watch this movie again if I could just splice all of Megan Fox's scenes together and play the soundtrack from the original animated movie in the background.

So, don't watch this movie. Just play with your Transformers in your mother's basement you freaking loser.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Automatic TP Dispenser

Be prepared to see the world of tommorrow, today in your public bathroom stall!

The next step in the automatization of the world is upon us. No longer happy with just automatic sliding doors, Segways, and day-time running lights, the inventors of today have developed an automatic toilet paper dispenser. Contrary to other inventions that usually associate laziness with pollution, this new development should actually make the Earth healthier. According to inventor Richard Thorne, Americans use twice as much toilet paper as Europeans. This is fascinating. Now I know that not only does European shit not stink, they also make less of it. It also saves money.

When I first saw this article I was intrigued by the possibilities. Could this machine measure the mass, firmness, and consistency of the feces and automatically discharge the right amount of tp for the job? Unfortunately, Mr. Thorne did not invent that kind of magical device. Apparently 5 sheets of toilet paper is enough. Most Americans use a full arms length. Considering Americans consume an unhealthy amount of KFC, Big Macs and Hot Pockets, this is not surprising.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The Bronx is Burning

I just watched the first episode of "The Bronx is Burning" on ESPN. I waited a day to watch mostly because the Home Run Derby ran longer than Roots. Jesus, did that really need to take 3 hours? To steal from Lewis Black, the Home Run Derby is like candy corn. I always forget I hate it until I make the mistake of partaking in it again. Fuck is it boring.

Anyways, if you don't know I'm not exactly a Yankee fan. I do have a strange fascination with George Steinbrenner. Maybe it is because of he was portrayed on Seinfeld or the fact that I can't believe such an unbelievable asshole hasn't been shot in the face, but I get a kick out of the guy. So I figured I would tune in to see what Oliver Platt (who is awesome in Huff) could do with the role. I'd have to say he does a decent turn as Georgie, even if he kinda reminds me of Baby Huey. Hopefully it gets more insane as it goes on.

All I can say for now is that there are the pieces of a good miniseries in there. The story and the characters are more than you can ask for. I guess the way the shot it just makes it look pretty cheap. I dunno if ESPN decided to spend all their money doing promos for "Who's Now?" (oh fuck you Stuart Scott, fuck you in the eye), but the production values are a bit lacking.

I'm hoping it picks up a little bit in later episodes, especially with Da Jesus as Billy Martin. I guess we have to see and hope that Jason Giambi doesn't show up again as a cab driver.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Sabres getting assraped

Today the Sabres lost both of their captains today.

Briere signed with the fucking Flyers for an 8 year 52 million dollar deal and apparently Drury is going to be signing with the Rangers.

Seeing Briere sign with the Flyers is horribly painful. I have a really strong hatred for Philly for numerous reasons. However it isn't as painful as seeing Drury go. As most people know he is my favorite player, not just because he is awesome but he also played for BU last time they won the championship. I guess the good news is that I will get to see him play more since he is coming to NYC, but I really don't think I can bring myself to root for the Rangers in any particular way.

Thus is the dilemma of being a small market team. You can't keep your players with huge contracts because you just don't have the money. The big boys swoop in and sign all your good players to huge contracts. The only thing I can hope for now is that the Flyers are still a ridiculous joke this year. I think they will be. Briere will help, but their problems are vast and he won't solve them all. Meanwhile, the Rangers should be pretty formidable with the addition of Drury.

Well, godspeed Drury and eat a dick Briere. Thus continues the painful life of a Buffalo fan.