Old People Try Too Hard

Well, the only really strong sports news lately (if you don't count Yao Ming getting broken, just completely Andy Dufresne'ing my fantasy basketball team) was GW making fun of Manny and his dead grandpeople (which was, admittedly, awesome), so we turn back to the world of music, where we've proven one more age-old adage: old people who try to sound hip usually suck.

Mariah Carey, widely known for peaking at age 20, flipping her shit on MTV's Cribs, having ridiculous fake boobs and having sex with a diving Derek Jeter (luckily, she wasn't seven feet to his left, or they never would have hooked up), has released a new single called "Touch my Body" (which you can listen to on just about every radio station in the country, if life is no longer worth living).

Here are the opening lines to Ms. Carey's current bon mot:

If there's a camera up in here, then it's gonna leave with me
When I do (I do)
If there's a camera up in here then I'd best not catch this flick
On YouTube (YouTube)
'Cause if you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous,
I will hunt you down

So wait - she's doing some dude, but she's worried he's going to tape her getting railed. Her worry about said taping is that it will land on YouTube. Her defense, then, is to inform the inferred gentleman that "(she) will hunt (him) down." Got it.

That shit's crazy, kids - Mariah Carey scares the living God out of me. What a song formula - check how this worked out:

• Direct implication of sluttiness? CHECK
• Intimation of taping sex act? CHECK
• Awkward use of modern media that "the kids" use? BIG FUCKING CHECK
• Death threat (either real or implied)? OH, YEP - CHECK

This record should come hermetically sealed with Agent Orange, with a heavy dusting of silver nitrate on the album so we can mark all of the absolute retards in one fell swoop - instead of the scarlet letter, welcome to the blue-hands 'tard coalition. Instead of a "Parental Guidance" sticker, it should just have a photo of record companies raping children, because how on Earth does this record get a green light?

Just out of curiosity, how many times do you think Mariah Carey, the human shitshow that brought you Glitter, has actually gone onto YouTube to do anything? Remember, she's not exactly a MENSA candidate - I'd guess she can't even "surf" her shiny ass to YouTube, there's just no chance she would even know the URL. YouTube? Seriously? I'd be much more worried about RedTube at this point in your career, you decrepit, irrelevant douche - seriously, the sooner you actually leak a sex tape, the more I'll actually care about you. For ten minutes. Then I'll take a nap.

Movie Review: Transformers

Holy fucking shit, that movie sucked.

I mean, I was actually stupider for having watched that. This is coming from a guy who has watched National Lampoon's Dorm Daze all the way through (I have serious problems). What I can't believe is that this movie got decent reviews. Is everyone on crack? Or did Hasbro pay critics off with toys to give this steaming pile a good review?

I'd give a plot synopsis, but nothing really happens in this movie that makes a lick of sense. John Turturro (who blackmailed him to be in this turd?) gets doused in some sort of fluid from a transformers crotch. Yes, you heard me right. I think the plot might have involved some sort of cube that creates life in inanimate objects. Or something. I was too busy laughing hysterically whenever Optimus Prime spoke. Since this is a Michael Bay movie, I was hoping he would tell Shia he would "take pleasure in gutting you, boy". Sadly it was not to be.

The only saving graces of this movie is the animated performance of Shia Lebouf and the ridiculous hotness of Megan Fox. I'd probably watch this movie again if I could just splice all of Megan Fox's scenes together and play the soundtrack from the original animated movie in the background.

So, don't watch this movie. Just play with your Transformers in your mother's basement you freaking loser.

Opening Day

Today was Opening Day. I'm glad that baseball is back, it means summer is around the corner and I can drink outside and/or take a nap in the park while there are scantily clad women wandering around. All good things.

What wasn't good was the Red Sox opener. I'm glad I couldn't watch. We lost to the Royals and Gil Meche. I will repeat that because it bears repeating: We lost to the Royals and Gil Fucking Meche. Normally I wouldn't care, one game doesn't really matter, but this was unnerving. Schilling got run out in the fourth, and that was that. We lost 7-1.

Ugly.

In other news, the Yankees won behind Carl Pavano. He made it through a start! Congrats.

Meanwhile on my fantasy team, my starting pitching is getting assraped. Derek Lowe's divorce gave up 6 runs on eight hits while Jose Contreras dropped a lovely 63.00 ERA. Hot pot of coffee. At least Miguel Cabrera had a good day to add to Lo Duca's game last night.

Ah baseball is back and it is time for neurotically checking scores and agonizing over the Sox. Spring really is in the air.