Thursday, March 29, 2007

Rangers/Royals Spring Training Game

You might look at the title and say, "why in the holy hell would any watch that?".

I wish I had an answer. I was bored, and as I am in Arizona, I figured I would go watch some baseball to prepare for the new season.

A few observations:

1.) Sammy Sosa hits a home run and all I can think about is that moronic commercial with that dude going "Sammmmmy Soooosa" in a mexican accent, and then Sammy crushes his head with his fist while snorting roids. Err, maybe it happened differently.

2.) There are still Royals fans?!?!? Why wasn't I told, and what the hell are these people cheering about? Odalis Perez? I hope not, that would just be sad and make baby jesus cry.

3.) Mike Sweeney is still a fat ass. He did hit a home run. I cared so little, I almost passed out.

4.) Octavio Dotel is now on the Royals. What a sad end. It is kinda like seeing a porn star past her prime in a new movie, but she doesn't take her clothes off, and you are really relieved. You know, if you watch porn (of course I don't, uhhhh, stop staring at me).

5.) The Royals and the Texans share a spring training facility in Surprise, Arizona. This is the most random pairing ever. Who decided this? I blame Bush.

6.) Surprise is about what you expect it to be. Middle of fucking nowhere, but there is a Starbucks on every corner and old people in golf carts. And people wonder why America is slowly rotting away on the inside.

7.) They introduced Michael Young, and my dad thought they said Nitro Young. My family is retarded. Although I am going to start calling him that because it sounds like a villain in a Arnold movie. Arnold would probably break his neck and say something snappy.

8.) Kansas City won 7-5. We left in the eighth.

All and all a funny experience. I had a beer and saw the hottest chick ever. I mean just unreal. So I would consider the day a draw.

P.S. Note to Royals Fans: you must hate life. I mean just give up.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Arbitrage Opportunities -or- Dicking Friends for Profit

Saturday was one of the greatest days of this or any year: the drunken live draft, for our eternal (keeper) league. The rules are simple: you can keep up to 5 each year, and these take the place of your corresponding pick in rounds 1-5 . . . after that, it's a snake draft and a 5x5 head-to-head weekly league. One caveat: the batting categories are SB, RBI, R, HR and OBP - the inclusion of OBP over AVG or OPS changes more than you would think . . . for instance, a player like Howie Kendrick is probably worth considerably less in this league than a 'standard' 5x5 league.

The day started pretty standard for me: I was about a half-hour late to the draft, and had to repair my laptop because I'd drunkenly attempted to jam the battery back in the wrong way. While there was definite damage, it was completely cosmetic - needless to say, we drank until about 5am. During this point, I was so intoxicated that I somehow managed to NOT win President in Asshole with a starting hand of (2, 2, 2, 3, 3, 3, K, K, A, 9) 5-handed. This spun me into drunken life-tilt, and it's somewhat amazing that I didn't do more damage. Anyway.

This is important because the role of alcohol is important - drafts often have a 'texture', and it's important to realize where value can be had. This sets up a sort of pseudo-arbitrage market, where players will be MUCH more valuable than usual rankings, either because of scarcity, bad picks or future needs for other teams. With six bench slots, I had a great chance to abuse these.

I kept 5 players (Howard, Wright, Bay, Mauer, and BJ Ryan) - Mauer and Ryan weren't really my favorite keeps ever, but Mauer will probably be valuable in trade in the offseason and this group tends to overrate closers, so wasting a 5th rounder on Ryan didn't hurt. Also, most were overvaluing their own guys, so it would be hard to get value for dropping dudes.

Here's my draft:

Cory's My Copilot

Round Pick Player Position
K. (8) Ryan Howard 1B
K. (13) David Wright 3B
K. (28) Jason Bay OF
K. (33) Joe Mauer C
K. (48) B.J. Ryan RP
6. (53) Adam Dunn OF
7. (68) Bill Hall 3B,SS
8. (73) Prince Fielder 1B
9. (88) Curt Schilling SP
10. (93) Billy Wagner RP
11. (108) Brett Myers SP
12. (113) Rickie Weeks 2B
13. (128) Dave Bush SP
14. (133) Jered Weaver SP
15. (148) Anthony Reyes SP
16. (153) Curtis Granderson OF
17. (168) Brian Giles OF
18. (173) Kelvim Escobar SP
19. (188) Ian Kinsler 2B
20. (193) Chad Cordero RP
21. (208) Chris Ray RP
22. (213) Brad Penny SP

I think it's pretty obvious how my strategy unfolded: closers were going at bizarre points, including Wagner going really late . . . in a 10-team league, every team will be able to find 2 serviceable relievers, but guys will often panic and ship struggling closers early. Since closers went way late, I was able to snag two of the remaining guys in the 20th/21st, which should close the market. Another drafter was obviously doing the same, so we were able to pull a cooperation play here - while Cordero and Ray are very borderline, combined we have a great opportunity to drive up prices on traded relievers (especially with some savvy waiver-wire work) - especially if Cordero is moved to a contender.

Additionally, 'name' starters were moving fast, but younger guys and high-risk/upside injury guys were all in play. Dave Bush and Anthony Reyes provide me great value in their slots, and when the older, 'name' starters die, I'll be moving from strength (again, waiver-wire work can buttress this plan), especially if someone like Krispy Kreme Escobar can put up some early numbers.

Past that, Kinsler gives me a modicum of protection against a total Rickie Weeks collapse, and my OF situation gives me viable options against any sort of team. On the whole, I'm pleased with my team - just like last season, I should be looking at a top-3 team coming out of the draft, and my injury tolerance is fairly high (and my risk low).

By the way, Sammy Sosa was drafted in the final round. I stood up, ripped up a beer can into the shape of a syringe, and injected myself with Bud Light in protest, then lit myself on fire.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Book Review: Fantasyland

So, you would think this book is about the strip club over by the airport, but it is actually about fantasy baseball. Granted, not the most exciting topic to a good number of people. The book is actually pretty entertaining.

Sam Walker is a sports writer for the Wall Street Journal who decides to join the most competitive Rotisserie league in the nation without having played before. The book chronicles his season (the 2004 baseball season). It also goes in depth into the history of fantasy baseball and the numerous colorful characters who populate the landscape.

Since Sam is a sports journalist he can go scout the players he wants to pick up and also talk to them when they are slumping or when he is thinking about trading them. This really cracked me up, especially his encounters with David Ortiz (who he stupidly trades for Soriano) and him cracking a beer with Bill Mueller after a game. For those of us who hate the usual on camera canned answers that players give, it's nice to see they have some sort of personality.

The most interesting part of the book is the obvious tension between the rotisserie guided statistics and the old baseball scouting process. As Collin mentioned on here before there is a battle in baseball over the value of the intricate baseball stats that people such as Bill James tout as being able to forecast a player's worth without seeing them play and the old scouting process that has a more hands on approach. The book does a pretty good job of showing how slowly but surely the stat nerds are gaining a foothold in the baseball world (Bill James works for the Red Sox nowadays).

So overall I liked the book, even if the back stories of all the fantasy nerds run together, the book helps clarify the multi billion dollar business and maybe even give you a small leg up on others in your fantasy league. I'll probably still finish last though.

Friday, March 23, 2007

David Carr: Sacked one last time in Houston

The Houston Texans let David Carr go after signing Stump the Schwab err Matt Schaub, the quarterback from Atlanta that doesn't have weed or herpes (as far as we know).

I feel bad for the guy. From what I can see, he was a serviceable quarterback with a pretty good arm and completion percentage who got ruined thanks to the lack of an O-line for a number of years in the joyus shitstain that is Houston. This really shows how stupid the Texans are, they probably could have gotten something for the guy but they just dumped him.

Actually I would rather have him than the fun house that is J.P. Losman. However, I speak as jaded Bills fan who rarely gets to see games thanks to living in NYC. At this point I would bring back O.J., cause come on, murderers are funny and all the games would be nationally televised. I think we could convince Marv this is a good idea. Then again I could convince Marv that I am Jim Kelly's dead autistic son, and he would believe it. Too far?

Prescient SNL

Now that rat poison has been found in the tainted pet food I couldn't help but think of this SNL sketch.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

New closer . . . same as the old closer

So after much hand-wringing by douche bags like Dan Shaughnessy, the Sox today moved Papelbon back into the bullpen to close. This, interestingly, resulted in . . . you guessed it, more douche bag hand-wringing by increasingly less relevant print journalists (and idiot casual fans).

Some points to consider:

-Papelbon had a historic season last year - not just good, historic. His ratios were off the charts, too (and way above his minor league equivalences), so it was probably marginally less fluky than you would guess. Bottom line: he got much better in the 'pen.

-Some guys smarter than me (and, y'know, actually AT spring training) noted that Paps was losing his mechanics late into his ST starts . . . as in, just after the first inning. This is troubling for a guy with former laxity in his shoulder, obviously.

-The precautions are intelligent, and shouldn't harm the team as much as they should help Paps. Smart.

-The pen shapes up well, and the lack of 5th starter can be covered by anyone in the Hansack/Snyder/Gabbard mold until a solution presents itself (likely Lester or, gasp, The Roger).

This is a good thing - is it a panic move after a terrible spring by all available options? Yeah, probably - does that mean it's wrong? Obviously not.

Lost Recap: The Man from Tallahassee

I think the writers and I are on the same page. John Locke has not made the right decision on anything in his life. The man is a walking disaster. This was highlighted beautifully last night when he was JACKED UP by his con artist pseudo dad. Awesome. Guess that proves you should never turn your back on elderly men. They can hip check you through windows. It really took them three seasons to decide how Locke ended up in a wheelchair? This is what they came up with? Really?

Basically we learned the following from this episode:

1.) John Locke is a moron. We already knew that, but it helped to get even more evidence of this. Dude, blowing up subs isn't cool. Unless of course you are Jack Ryan and you are doing it to mask the defection of the Red October. So, John Locke you are no Jack Ryan.

2.) Ben is evil and manipulative. Duh. Also something we already knew, but it was pretty sweet how he got Locke to do his bidding.

3.) There is an awesome magic box on the island that gives you whatever you want. I need access to said box. If I was in front of it, I am guessing Elisha Cuthbert would pop out naked with buffalo wings and labatt. And uh, that would rock obviously.

4.) Alex might be hot. I can't decide. Sometimes she is and sometimes she isn't. I need more evidence.

5.) The following people should die painfully: Locke, Charlie, and the annoying spanish dude (one of the random survivors that recently popped up that will probably die soon like the random crew members on Star Trek).

All in all I liked this episode, we finally got the answer to why Locke was a cripple and we learned about a super sweet magic box. Hehe, box. Yes I am 12.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

How not to get Quarantined on a Cruise Ship

During a recent trip aboard a cruise ship, I was stricken by a stomach virus that just wouldn't quit. Apparently walking around the ship for two days with this in me was ok, but once I sought help and got some medicine to stop things from coming out of me I needed to stay in my room for 24 hours. This was most troubling due to the fact that I couldn't leave the ship and go to the off-shore banking capital of the world, Grand Cayman Island. Did I mention this was my honeymoon? Let the romance begin.
To avoid getting stuck in your room be sure to pack some Immodium or Pepto Bismol and bring it on board. I don't remember if the ship security searches your bags or not but they don't sell this in the duty free. You need to go the infirmary to pick it up. When you go to the infirmary they throw you in lock down.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

David Ortiz is F'ing Awesome

I'm not one to go apeshit over athletes in general. Thinking back to childhood, there wasn't really one that I thought of as a hero or that I looked up to. Actually the only one I do remember loving is Charles Barkley, mostly for his willingness to bash people in the head with a beer mug before it was cool.

I think Ortiz may be heading towards being pretty much my favorite athlete ever. Nevermind 2004, which cemented him as Jesus in New England (which is odd for me, being jewish and all). Lots of athletes are awesome on the field and then just plain jacktards off the field. Ortiz doesn't seem that way at all. Anytime you seem on TV or read about him in the clubhouse he is a pretty happy go lucky guy. It also turns out he is a pretty stand up citizen.

According to the Washington Post, Justin Rollins, before being deployed to Iraq, met Ortiz and received a signed ball from him. Sadly, Rollins was killed in Iraq and Ortiz was so broken up that he sent a jersey and a autographed ball that was put in Rollin's coffin.

Some of you might not think it is that big of a deal, but I think it is a great gesture from one of baseball's nicer guys.

So to sum up: Ortiz can probably break Chuck Norris in half, and fight Jack Bauer to a draw.

Monday, March 19, 2007

File This One Under: No Shit

Turns out fatass David Wells has diabetes. Hey, guess 20 to 30 years of destructive alcohol abuse and having everything you eat fried to a crisp first eventually causes your body to fall apart like the Nazi at the end of The Last Crusade.

This should serve as a warning to every tub o lard in this country who thinks there is nothing wrong with not having seen your penis in 5 years. Your actions have consequences. Shocker, I know. Knowing David Wells he probably won't change and lose both legs and his sight by the end of the year after going on a 3 week bender.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

The warm-up draft . . .

Today we had a quick fantasy baseball draft with my buddy Fitz, who moved to Texas, got married and became the butt-end of jokes (all unrelated I'm sure). It's not a money league, and it includes two wives and such platinum hits as "Roy Oswalt 4th" and "Joe Mauer 6th" but I made some interesting decisions, and I thought walking through it would be illustrative. Plus, the errors these guys made are good prep for your money league - most don't really have any idea about some key points regarding FBB on draft day, which is why these leagues are a gold mine if you gamble.

I picked third, which this season is kind of a rough spot - the obvious first two players, Pujols and Santana, are just popular enough to really put you in an awkward situation, and I honestly think the 3-hole can be one of about 8 different players depending on your league parameters. This league used just about every category (including such ridiculous stuff as K/9 and using all of AVG, OBP, H and BB - Jesus), so that made for an interesting decision.

It's a head-to-head league - and here's a pro tip for you: in relatively deep head-to-head leagues, you can basically punt steals. Steals are generally overrated anyway, and unlike true Roto leagues, you only have to win more categories each week - it's hard to get buried, especially with 11 or more categories. Plus, steals are really a 'singular' category - guys with power add multi-dimensional aspects (HRs obviously lead to RBI, OPS and etc), but steals don't really correlate with anything else. However, this also means it's an easy category to win . . . my rule: don't pick steals-only guys, but look for a few guys who add 10 or 15 SB a year, and try to 'patch together' a few wins in the steals category. For a Roto league, throw this advice out the window.

For that reason, I punted on platinum hits like Reyes and Soriano, and went with Miguel Cabrera 3rd . . . BPro's Player Forecast Manager had him listed 4 (Ortiz was ahead), but I felt his all-around numbers and extremely positive health history pushed him ahead. Plus, he's basically mini-Pujols.

Another important point: 3B isn't really a difficult position to fill anymore . . . especially with guys like Alex Gordon going late, there's just no positional scarcity anymore. It's essentially equivalent to 1B now - however, 2B is rough, so I went Utley on the way back, then had to pick between Hafner and Sizemore next . . . I went Sizemore for overall numbers, but I'm not sure that's the right pick there.

Basically, so far my strategy has been to try to pick upper-echelon infielders early but recognize that SS and 3B can be filled on the cheap later - between Stephen Drew and others, you shouldn't need to sacrifice numbers on the alter of positional scarcity. Once the run on pitchers starts, I try to jump on the early end so I can fill for depth late, and unless you're getting BJ Ryan or Joe Nathan, don't waste a high pick on a reliever unless your league is way above average (if you have to think about it, it's not).

The draft:

1. (3) Miguel Cabrera
2. (14) Chase Utley
3. (19) Grady Sizemore
4. (30) Jason Bay
5. (35) Matt Holliday
6. (46) Jake Peavy
7. (51) Brian McCann
8. (62) B.J. Ryan
9. (67) Prince Fielder
10. (78) Jeremy Bonderman
11. (83) Félix Hernández
12. (94) Garrett Atkins
13. (99) Dan Haren
14. (110) Curt Schilling
15. (115) Carlos Guillén
16. (126) Chris Capuano
17. (131) Chris Ray
18. (142) Delmon Young
19. (147) Brian Fuentes
20. (158) Javier Vázquez
21. (163) Howie Kendrick
22. (174) Cliff Lee

Don't expect to get Atkins that late, these kids are basically functionally retarded - also note that I may have overdrafted McCann, but the next pick was a total Braves homer and the drop-off after Mauer/McCann is kind of sick. Honestly, I think in a 10- or 12-team league I might even go as high as the 4th or 5th round, but he's pretty underrated by casual fans so try to let guys like him slide if you can.


Friday, March 16, 2007

The Answer is Naggers

So, yeah, below in that wonderful trip down drunken lane is my buddy RC, who joins us all the way from beautiful Des Moines, Iowa. I'm pretty sure him and his friends are either passed out in his apartment or in a bar in downtown Des Moines (exciting).

Anyways, RC knows more about college basketball than I do so he went ahead and did a Simmonsesque blog of today's events while I was wondering why they let Texas A&M's community college play in the tourney. Yeah, I'm bright. All I really know is that Duke is bad and Dickie V. loves Hooters.

I'm sure RC will be really helpful in breaking down all sorts of baseball tidbits not to mention anything else he might stumble across (up to and including civil war references, don't ask).

Before he comes back and calls me Amaechi for being in on Friday, the weather sucks and I have serious drinking to do tomorrow.

The category is "People who annoy you"


OK . . . yeah, Brent is falling off the fucking wagon, which is totally rad. I figure it's only going to get worse, so misewell start a new entry for it. Why not? This was the last conversation:

Brent: "Illinois should not be in the tournament . . . know what I mean? Verne?"
RC: "Was than an Ernest P. Worrell reference? Fuck"
Brent: "Did you know Jim Varney is dead? Yeah - he died. He was amazing - I saw his last movie, it was Ernest in the Army. It came out in 98 - he saved the world by fighting terrorists. In 98 - seriously. Jim Varney was ahead of his time."


Brent: "Know how Jim Varney died? He died of a broken heart."

Uh wow. Picks: Illinois w/ the points, and that's about it until the late games . . . Purdue/Arizona is disgusting. Just a terrible game.

Stealing from people who steal from people

OK - so we have this baller setup for the first weekend of the NCAAs, and it kind of makes Simmons' setup look like the Kappa Sig living room (aka a shithole) . . . we have an LCD projector on the 'main game', giving us approximately 100030 inches of ND/Winthrop, along with two additional TVs showing other games (my 37" LCD, and JC's . . . God, I don't even know. It's like 30 years old, and has a built-in VCR, I think - awesome).

Anyway, what else to do but start a blog? I should be hammered by 4pm (Central, natch), so it should get out of hand fast. We have 3 cases of beer for the three of us, with three more dudes on the way and a LONG night of intoxication. Should be rad.

1:55: Yeah, so I didn't get here until about 12:30 because, well, I woke up late. My new loft is pretty baller, so I'm getting butt like I coach the LSU women - well, not really, but the not-girlfriend was over, and I was tired. Also, I suck.

Anyway, 2 hours of wireless trouble result in the late post - right now Brent is trying to cover his Missouri Valley boner (he went to UNI, and has to take a jello shot every time he mentions anything related to a mid-major - it's that bad) while waiting for Creighton to start . . . LBSU and the Fighting Bruce Pearls are on pace to drop 200 pts after the first 5 min, and we've officially lost all action on any games.

Last night's bloodbath resulted in JC losing 90 straight wagers or something, and totally reversing field on his pledge to "have action on every game" - including the best tilt-induced hemorrhage wager in history. After the big white guy from C. Conn. chose to whip up a fucking random 3 at the buzzer instead of the easy 2 for the backdoor cover against OSU (with, obv, JC taking CC and the +20.5) resulting in an obvious miss and a 21-pt loss, the kid came unhinged, and in a drunken mess tiled off 2 more units on . . . UNC -27.5. That's a pretty good line - great job there guy, you got raped by the public money. Nice. As UNC coasted to an easy victory in the teens, he was wearing the Bruce Weber face - just amazing, a fitting end to Day 1. Speaking of Weber, we'll be graced by his blankness later - so sick.

Also the Chevy commercial with all the dudes singing? Yeah - David Spade to TI, right. That makes sense. Good cut there - I note this out loud, and my two honkey compatriots ask "Who's TI?" I note that he's a black guy, and Brent blurts out "They all are."

Yeah . . . yeah. I'm not racist - I donated money to Colin Powell.


Sick - LBSU/Tenn is over 100 pts with a min left in the first half. Just unreal - it's Nintendo basketball, which is so rad.

JC went to get some food, and instead of going to the store he hit the gas station on the corner . . . so yeah, 3 bags of chips. This led to the following exchange:

[JC dances/sings]"You and me, in our own dress-ing rooooooooooom . . . ."

[wide-eyed staring]

JC: "I'm just putting it out there, you tell me."

Earlier, he ripped his pants down and brown-eyed Brent:

"I'm just putting it out there, let me know"

Also we're all adults with white-collar/professional jobs. Brent and JC's boss is coming over later - he's a "wine guy" so we tried to get out cheese and crackers. All we had were Cheez-its . . . I think those are better, because they're both cheese AND crackers.

This is going places.


"Hey look, Ja Rule plays for Notre Dame" --Heuer

Clark Kellogg also just went on a drunken ramble for about 30 min about how Wisconsin needs to play a "35 mile an hour game, not a 65 mile an hour game, balkjflkdajljfl" . . . After I deliver the obligatory "que?", JC requests that Clark "dies in a fire." I think he's actually still talking - hey Clark, a favorite losing in the first half should not result in:

Although I might prefer if that were to happen . . .


Dickie V's Hooters commercial is the highest point in human history to date - holy God. I can't even imagine anything funnier - "What's up, Dick?" from a Hooters girl, and then a rambling incoherent mess of a drug-addled Dickie V . . . surreal.

His head is bobbing throughout like a fucking velociraptor - I feel like he should finish by mangling Jeff Goldblum.

Also, Mike Miller took A&M-CC, which is ridiculous - nobody took CC. The players' dads all took Sconsin in the office pools - just sick. He did this last year too, with Northwestern State - I haven't forgiven him yet, it's only a matter of time until I kill him.

Also, Tenn is on pace for 1470 points - they're scoring like Gilbert Arenas in NBA2k, or like (choose your own joke here . . . Iowa buddies: Wes in a room of passed out girls . . . Boston buddies: Jeremy in Warren Towers). This means the next game they'll get the Madden treatment and shoot 2 for 40 from the field.

Also Brent just looked over at his boss and said "I would buy you a fish sandwich" (in the Lady's Man voice). Just thought you should know.


Awesome - Nate Funk looks like an f-ed up version of Tom Tucker's kid (w/out the upside-down face, obv) . . . all of his facial features are stuffed into the bottom third of his dome. He has an amazingly small face, and the back part of his head looks like a watermelon. Just a badly shaped dome - not good. Not good for anyone.

Also Bo Ryan (who JC calls "Bo Cryin" because he's a Marquette fan, and he's secretly gay) is wearing an amazing red blazer - he looks like Bad Santa, just unbelievable. However, he's way better off than A&M-CC's coach, who has the Gene Keady Memorial Comb-over going on . . . he looks like he's last in line at the buffet. Hopefully he can hook me up with a solid used car later, I could use the ride.

Also Wiscy's Kamm'ron Taylor is leading to dozens of "Hey ma" jokes that no one but me gets, and we're 0-for-the-day on Lisa Tucker shots - she looks like a fucked-up (old, fat) Lisa "left eye" Lopez, but has never burned down anybody's house, as far as I know.

Creighton looks pretty good and Nevada REALLY bad, but Omaha's Finest are only up one point - what the fuck is going on . . . jesus. Weird day so far.


Yeah . . . so Nevada's had the ball for about 10 minutes here, just killing the clock . . . looks like they'll get the last shot. Of course, their last 3 shots have all looked like back-alley abortions, but luckily they've had the ball bounce directly into their hands so whatever. Unreal - Fazekas could not be any less of a factor. He already has a beer in front of him - this guy's a first-round NBA player?

This just in - Justin declared "This game is not going to end well . . . for one team . . . "

How Zen - wow. We have drank ourselves retarded - we'll call for a shortbus cab to the bar later, should be rad.


After wondering all day what kind of ethnic background results in "Fazekas" they finally give us a terribly boring story about the Hungarian revolution - so yeah . . . Hungarian. Which results in this:

JC: "Put that in your bank . . . in your mind . . . bank. Mind bank."
Brent: "Yeah . . . you're basically a talking time out."

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Stephen Colbert: More Dangerous than Bears and the Gays?

So apparently the chair of the Democratic Caucus, Rep. Rham Emanuel (D-Ill.) thinks that all freshman congressman should steer clear of Stephen Colbert. Mostly because of his "Better Know A District" where he pokes a little fun at their expense during his interviews. Like where he gets Rep. Zach Space to say he is a Republican.

Hey Rham, Rev. Fred Phelps agrees with you! You know Fred Phelps who hangs out with the "God Hates Fags" folks as they protest military funerals saying the soilders are dead because America is full of "fag lovers". You can watch Fred warn us about dangerous comedians here: Don't watch to long, it will make your brain hurt.

Come on Rham, you don't really want to hang out with Fred. Who cares if Colbert pokes a little fun at the representatives, at least they appear a little human and maybe if they aren't complete morons they might even show they have a sense of humor. Plus, that is probably more exposure than they get usually.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Five Movie Characters I Wouldn't Mind Being

So we were talking about this at work the other day, and most people didn't get my list of characters I would want to be. Most pretty much reflect my own personality and while they don't have money or women, you would hang out with them or be killed by them. I think my choices are pretty awesome, and if you don't think so, you might suck.

5.) Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction)

Listen, if you don't dig the sweet afro and the pretty sound relationship advice, what is your problem? The guy could probably talk you into anything, and then if you still didn't agree...shoot you in the face. Plus he appreciates a good cup of motherfucking coffee.

4.) Joe Hallenbeck (The Last Boy Scout)

This is probably my favorite early 90s action movie. It was written by the same guy who wrote Lethal Weapon, and is quite hilarious. Joe is a cynical asshole who really seems to hate life (sound familiar?). The good news is that he always has a smart ass remark, no matter what the situation and could probably break your arm when you aren't looking. Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You're going to lose. Smile you fuck.

3.) Billy Madison (Billy Madison)

Listen, the guy spent a good part of his life goofing off and drinking with his friends (not to mention the weekly edition of Drunk Chicks). In the end he still gets Bridgette Wilson despite that damn penguin. The blue duck thinks that's quacktastic.

2.) Rick Blaine (Casablanca)

No matter what people try to tell you, this movie is still one of the best around. Really, rent it. It is hard to find a movie nowadays that doesn't have a happy ending or have things wrapped up neatly at the end. In the center of it all is Rick Blaine, probably one of the best movie characters ever. Hangs out at a bar, is friends with the corrupt cops, and is cool under pressure. Just remember, he never actually says, "play it again Sam" in the movie.

1.) Irwin "Fletch" Fletcher (Fletch)

Yeah sure, Chevy Chase is an bastard who did enough coke in the 80s to make Paris Hilton blush. But you can't beat his movie roles during that time period. None better than Fletch. Seriously, this guy could talk his way into anything and make everyone in the room look stupid while doing it. If you are a guy and don't love this movie, you might want to question your manhood. If you are a girl and love this movie, I'm pretty sure we should get married. Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Dirty Hippies Sorta Protest Pelosi

According to the New York Times a couple protesters have camped outside of Nancy Pelosi's house in San Fran to protest the war a la the Crawford protest of Dubya. However, I don't think this protest has the same impact as the Crawford group. Apparently at the moment the group, calling itself Code Pink, seems to only be three wackjobs after the initial group of "dozens" sobered up and realized it was an amazingly stupid idea. Or perhaps it was because the sprinklers went off.

Huzzah for half assed protesting. At least throw a rock or get naked like all the protesters of Bush in Latin America. Protesting can be fun AND sexy.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Movie Review: 300

All I can say is, damn they killed a ton of people. I don't think I have ever seen so many limbs chopped off in slow motion. I think the pinnacle of the loss of body parts was when a giant monster gets his head cut off, in what else, slow motion.

Don't get me, slow motion camera work is great. It works to create tension and is a great dramatic effect. However, it is not that great when you use it probably about 4 billion times in one movie. It tends to cause scenes to blend together.

Now, I didn't exactly hate this movie. I do like Frank Miller (Sin City is amazing). It is quite beautiful to look at, especially the gratuitous breast shots. Hey, they even have some man ass for the ladies out there.

However, this movie is extremely repetitive and doesn't really seem to have any sort of underlying point. The dialogue is laughable, and not in the fun way like Sin City. King Leonidas has some good lines, but nothing exactly memorable. Plot devices used to move the "story" ahead are amazingly moronic (why would you carry your bribe around with you when it could easily give away what was going on?). Also, why was Xerxes a seven foot tall gay indian man who was seemingly into S&M?

I wish I knew more about the Battle of Thermopylae so I could seem smart when dissecting this movie. In the end I think I would give it two stars, mostly for the tits and the early cool slow motion scenes before they killed it.

My Probably Crappy Fantasy Baseball Team

So, my fantasy baseball draft was last night, and I amazingly did little to no research. I picked up a magazine to leaf through on Saturday, but that was more out of sheer boredom than research. I figure that this year's team can't be much worse than my team from last year. Last year, I drafted Derrek Lee first and he went on to break his wrist and destroy my dreams along with the dreams of a bunch of dudes with popped collars who drink beer and sunbathe at Wrigley.

My whole goal this year was two fold. First, I will not take anyone who came out of nowhere to have an awesome season last year (I'm looking in your direction Bronson "Rockstar" Arroyo). Second, I wanted to take younger players who might not have a proven track record but were also less likely to get hurt (Allah willing). Pretty simple right?

Of course nothing is as simple as it sounds. To start with, I showed up late due to a viewing of 300 (review coming later) and already got autodrafted my first four picks. The computer didn't hurt me, actually since I had the 12th and last pick, I probably did a bit better and closer to what I wanted getting autodrafted. Below is my team:

Lidle's Co-Pilots (Admit it, you love the name)
Paul Lo Duca
(NYM - C)
Justin Morneau
(Min - 1B)
Plácido Polanco
(Det - 2B)
Miguel Cabrera
(Fla - 3B)
Orlando Cabrera
(LAA - SS)
Matt Holliday
(Col - OF)
Hideki Matsui
(NYY - OF)
Coco Crisp
(Bos - OF)
David Wright
(NYM - 3B)
Michael Cuddyer
(Min - 1B,OF)
Aubrey Huff
(Bal - 3B,OF)
Jeremy Hermida
(Fla - OF)
Khalil Greene
(SD - SS)
Jered Weaver
(LAA - SP)
Chris Capuano
(Mil - SP)
B.J. Ryan
(Tor - RP)
Scot Shields
(LAA - RP)
Derek Lowe
(LAD - SP)
Ted Lilly
(ChC - SP)
José Contreras
(CWS - SP)
Aaron Heilman
(NYM - RP)

Granted, not all of them are spring chickens, but I like what I have. A couple of them had season destroying injuries last year (Coco and Hidikei) and I think they will come back in a big way. I'm not totally sold on my pitching staff, especially after learning that Weaver is going to miss a few starts at the beginning of the season. So I went out and picked up Nate Robertson.

So, I will probably finish last again. Damn you Corey Lidle.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Pavano Sued

Apparently the guy that Carl Pavano hit last year in the accident he tried to hide from the Yankees is suing him. The guy is asking for 5 million dollars if Pavano and the Yankees don't respond to his lawsuit.

Jeez, Carl and the Yanks just can't catch a break huh? You pay a guy almost 40 million dollars and he hasn't pitched since 2005 due to amazingly hilarious injuries including a injured buttocks. Now he has to time off to deal with the guy he hurt while speeding about town in a Porsche (according to Pavano he took time off to spend with his "sick" gf). The Yankees would have been better off giving 20 million dollars to Jaret Wright. Oops, they did that already.

Although I will give it to them this year, they stayed away from giving gobs of money to old broken pitchers (unless you count the Rocket's butt buddy) or unproven guys who had one good season. They actually picked up some prospects and let the Red Sox overspend on the unproven media hype (errr, crap).

Friday, March 9, 2007

The Numbers Game

755 home runs; 20 strikeouts; 3,000 hits; .406 average; 100 stolen bases; 56 game hitting streak.

Numbers have been a part of baseball as far back as anyone can remember. From the moment when Babe Ruth crossed the then-mythical 30 home run barrier, through Jose Canseco’s opening of the 40-40 club and the all-around numbers put up by Alex Rodriguez, baseball has always been a sport consumed with numbers. Even more than other sports, we use the numbers to judge what we think of a player. For years, a guy who hit .300 with 25 home runs was an all-star; someone with 20 wins, a Cy Young Award contender. If you broke the 3,000 hit barrier, or went past 500 home runs or 300 wins, you had a plaque waiting for you in Cooperstown. Sportswriters and casual fans alike flocked to the box scores to see how players played, how their numbers stacked up, and made judgments accordingly. Eventually, new numbers (like saves) gained importance, and people adjusted their expectations.

Recently, these numbers have been expanded upon by a number of authorities. Bill James and his progeny opened the door in the 80’s, joined by a group of baseball lovers who saw that there were more numbers that could be a window to greatness. Eventually, this group has expanded statistical analysis far beyond what sportswriters like Damon Runyon could have imagined. Now we have VORP, WARP, FRAA, and a number of other categories where we can measure athletes’ performance. It has allowed us to re-evaluate the greats and current stars; as a result, we can see just how valuable some players (Joe Morgan for example) were, and discover some overlooked players (Bobby Grich and Ron Santo) who deserve quite a bit more praise.

Recently, at least one writer and one prominent baseball writer have criticized this new analysis. Basically, their argument comes down to one premise: this analysis, done by people behind a computer who don’t even watch the games, has taken the fun out of watching baseball. If you listen to people like Joe Morgan, you would even get the feeling that this analysis is bad for baseball, and that this is just a bunch of nerds with too much time on their hands.

The unfortunate thing is, if these people actually read these sites that they so despise, they would get a much different feeling. Anyone who has read Joe Sheehan, Nate Silver, Rob Neyer, or any of their colleagues cannot help but walk away knowing that these are people who love baseball. This is the new generation of baseball writers, a generation that loves the game, but recognizes the flaws in statistical analysis. Part of it is, of course, ignorance; one ESPN analyst who criticized Moneyball freely admits he never read the book, and the baseball writer mentioned earlier noted that he does not read the Baseball Prospectus emails he receives.

If these people actually read the sites and the books though, one would guess they would have a far different opinion of these new-age baseball writers. Opening up a Bill James volume, one immediately notices that his list of 100 greatest players doesn’t stray too much from everyone else’s lists (except that he includes Negro Leaguers). These aren’t people who are out in left field (no pun intended), but they’ve simply refined current methods.

Will this new group of writers be accepted quickly, their methods understood by the current set of writers? Next year will be a good test; Tim Raines, a Hall of Famer by current statistical analysis, comes up for election in 2008. Whether he passes muster with the HOF voters will go a long way with seeing just how flexible this group can be going forward.

I would like to be optimistic. After all, I’m a convert myself, and I figure if a liberal arts type like me can see the light, anyone can. All we can do is hope, and get ready for another great season.

New Folks Joining the Fray

So I convinced some of my friends to join in this blogging thing. So far I have my a few friends from college and a buddy from high school. I'll introduce them as they submit stuff. First up is my friend Collin who I have known since freshman year of college. We have killed many brain cells together. He's a Yankees fan and a republican, but we won't hold that against him....yet.
At the moment he is in law school and is a much better writer than I am. Plus, he knows anything and everything about pretty much any sport (except Icelandic Ice Fishing, that's my specialty).

So, here comes Collin with an inaugural post.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Lost Recap

So after last night's Lost I think everyone can agree with me that John Locke should be shot out of a cannon into the sun. The man is a freaking moron. Every single decision he has made in his life has been wrong. Please, I beg you to tell me one intelligent choice he has made. I bet he thinks the Bay of Pigs and the Iraq War were genius ideas. Tardcart.

So, to recap, Locke/Sayid/Kate's Ass/Crazy French Lady wander the woods because Locke saw writing on Eco's cane that said go north (another genius move). They find some sort of farm with horses and cats. So they plan to send Sayid unarmed up to the house, while they stand and watch. Yeah, I like this way someone could put two holes in Sayid's head before Locke/Kate's Ass can take him out. Gay.

Of course Sayid takes one in the shoulder from One Eyed Boris and they fall into the usual, "HE'S ONE OF THEM/NO HE ISN'T" plots while Locke masturbates to gay porn on an Apple 2E err, I mean plays chess. Meanwhile, Sayid has flashback to the time one of his torture victims kidnaps him and gets revenge. Only one thing to say about that flashback: that torture victim was a horrid actress. Way to over emote. So you got burned, big whoop. Suck it up pussy.

Back in real time, it turns out One Eyed Boris is an Other who it seems took part in the killing of all the Dharma people. What? So they beat his ass and tie him up leaving Locke in charge to guard him (excellent choice). Sayid/Kate find operating manuals in the basement along with a shit ton of C4 (which doesn't seem to phase anyone) and one of the psychic hotline others from last season.
Of course upstairs Locke decides to play chess instead of, you know, watching the creepy one eyed guy who just tried to kill them. He beats the game and it reverts to a quicktime movie (I was hoping for Teen Screamers 2, but alas it was our Japanese Dharma buddy) who gives him a list of options to contact the outside world. Of course none of them work and before he can "alert of an attack by the outsiders", One Eyed Boris attacks him.

When Sayid/Kate/Psychic Hotline Chick come upstairs, Boris is holding Locke hostage, and everyone screams at each other for five minutes (a la Reservoir Dogs) and Boris shoots Psychic Hotline. Yeah, I didn't see that one coming.

So they ransack the house while Locke continues to play chess (jesus he sucks) and march outside. Crazy Frenchie wants to kill Boris, but Sayid wants him alive. I'm sure he will die next week. Locke comes out smiling (which is a bad sign) and informs everyone he alerted the Dharma folks via the Apple. Then the hut blows up. Good one fag shoes.

Oh I forgot the gay side plot with ping pong. It was so useless I almost passed out.

Overall, I'd give it a 6. I like it for adding good points about how Locke should die. I didn't like the flashback or the Gilligan Ping Pong side plot.

Bills Trade McGahee

Apparently the Bills have traded McGahee for three draft picks from the Ravens and some Ensure for Marv Levy. McGahee supposedly hasn't been training up in the OP and has told the media (if Penthouse counts as the media, I say hell yes) that the Bills should be moved to Toronto (he said that this was taken out of context).

Yeah Willis, don't mention Toronto for any reason when speaking about sports in Buffalo. I'm surprised that the fans didn't try replay your horrifying knee rape from college. Enjoy Baltimore and enjoy syphilis.

So where does that leave the Bills? Corey Dillon and Dominic Rhodes have been mentioned as possibilities. How old is Corey nowadays? 43? His best days were when he was using minor fender benders as an excuse to miss games. I like Rhodes though, especially since he likes to piss himself after getting pulled over for drunk driving. It's so warm at first, I can understand the desire. Plus, toilets are for suckers.

Oooh Another Crappy Blog

I know what you are thinking, here is another blog by some idiot espousing his views on the number of napkins given out at Subway or the sexual innuendo of Wendy's marketing campaign (both real posts on other blogs), why should I read this drivel? I wish I had a good excuse for you to waste your time. Mostly my mission here is to add my snarky views to the mix of the interwebs and hopefully get some of my friends to join into the fray.

Why don't I start with a little about myself: I sleep in my oven and burn satantic symbols into my pets. I am a fan of the following teams: Red Sox, Bills, Sabres, and BU Hockey. I live in NYC and work in finance (there will be no posts about models and bottles or striped shirts). I attended the prestigious Boston University and majored in stupidity and alcohol posioning. On the TV front I love the following shows: House, 24, Lost, Arrested Development, The State, Kids in the Hall (thus the name), Scrubs, Family Guy, old SNL, and 80's sitcoms. When it comes to politics I voted for the Giant Douche over the Turd Sandwhich, and I have a general distrust of anyone who claims they are a christian convservative or loves Noam Chomsky. I have an encyclopedic memory when it comes to movies and I tend to think Nicolas Cage should be shot in the face. On the music front I listen to anything and everything except pop country (think rascal flatts).

So there you have it. A little masturbatory introduction to my odd little world. I should also mention my grammar is terrible, so deal with it. I never learned to read good. So lets get milk faced and hum like rabbits.