Friday, March 16, 2007

Stealing from people who steal from people

OK - so we have this baller setup for the first weekend of the NCAAs, and it kind of makes Simmons' setup look like the Kappa Sig living room (aka a shithole) . . . we have an LCD projector on the 'main game', giving us approximately 100030 inches of ND/Winthrop, along with two additional TVs showing other games (my 37" LCD, and JC's . . . God, I don't even know. It's like 30 years old, and has a built-in VCR, I think - awesome).

Anyway, what else to do but start a blog? I should be hammered by 4pm (Central, natch), so it should get out of hand fast. We have 3 cases of beer for the three of us, with three more dudes on the way and a LONG night of intoxication. Should be rad.

1:55: Yeah, so I didn't get here until about 12:30 because, well, I woke up late. My new loft is pretty baller, so I'm getting butt like I coach the LSU women - well, not really, but the not-girlfriend was over, and I was tired. Also, I suck.

Anyway, 2 hours of wireless trouble result in the late post - right now Brent is trying to cover his Missouri Valley boner (he went to UNI, and has to take a jello shot every time he mentions anything related to a mid-major - it's that bad) while waiting for Creighton to start . . . LBSU and the Fighting Bruce Pearls are on pace to drop 200 pts after the first 5 min, and we've officially lost all action on any games.

Last night's bloodbath resulted in JC losing 90 straight wagers or something, and totally reversing field on his pledge to "have action on every game" - including the best tilt-induced hemorrhage wager in history. After the big white guy from C. Conn. chose to whip up a fucking random 3 at the buzzer instead of the easy 2 for the backdoor cover against OSU (with, obv, JC taking CC and the +20.5) resulting in an obvious miss and a 21-pt loss, the kid came unhinged, and in a drunken mess tiled off 2 more units on . . . UNC -27.5. That's a pretty good line - great job there guy, you got raped by the public money. Nice. As UNC coasted to an easy victory in the teens, he was wearing the Bruce Weber face - just amazing, a fitting end to Day 1. Speaking of Weber, we'll be graced by his blankness later - so sick.

Also the Chevy commercial with all the dudes singing? Yeah - David Spade to TI, right. That makes sense. Good cut there - I note this out loud, and my two honkey compatriots ask "Who's TI?" I note that he's a black guy, and Brent blurts out "They all are."

Yeah . . . yeah. I'm not racist - I donated money to Colin Powell.


Sick - LBSU/Tenn is over 100 pts with a min left in the first half. Just unreal - it's Nintendo basketball, which is so rad.

JC went to get some food, and instead of going to the store he hit the gas station on the corner . . . so yeah, 3 bags of chips. This led to the following exchange:

[JC dances/sings]"You and me, in our own dress-ing rooooooooooom . . . ."

[wide-eyed staring]

JC: "I'm just putting it out there, you tell me."

Earlier, he ripped his pants down and brown-eyed Brent:

"I'm just putting it out there, let me know"

Also we're all adults with white-collar/professional jobs. Brent and JC's boss is coming over later - he's a "wine guy" so we tried to get out cheese and crackers. All we had were Cheez-its . . . I think those are better, because they're both cheese AND crackers.

This is going places.


"Hey look, Ja Rule plays for Notre Dame" --Heuer

Clark Kellogg also just went on a drunken ramble for about 30 min about how Wisconsin needs to play a "35 mile an hour game, not a 65 mile an hour game, balkjflkdajljfl" . . . After I deliver the obligatory "que?", JC requests that Clark "dies in a fire." I think he's actually still talking - hey Clark, a favorite losing in the first half should not result in:

Although I might prefer if that were to happen . . .


Dickie V's Hooters commercial is the highest point in human history to date - holy God. I can't even imagine anything funnier - "What's up, Dick?" from a Hooters girl, and then a rambling incoherent mess of a drug-addled Dickie V . . . surreal.

His head is bobbing throughout like a fucking velociraptor - I feel like he should finish by mangling Jeff Goldblum.

Also, Mike Miller took A&M-CC, which is ridiculous - nobody took CC. The players' dads all took Sconsin in the office pools - just sick. He did this last year too, with Northwestern State - I haven't forgiven him yet, it's only a matter of time until I kill him.

Also, Tenn is on pace for 1470 points - they're scoring like Gilbert Arenas in NBA2k, or like (choose your own joke here . . . Iowa buddies: Wes in a room of passed out girls . . . Boston buddies: Jeremy in Warren Towers). This means the next game they'll get the Madden treatment and shoot 2 for 40 from the field.

Also Brent just looked over at his boss and said "I would buy you a fish sandwich" (in the Lady's Man voice). Just thought you should know.


Awesome - Nate Funk looks like an f-ed up version of Tom Tucker's kid (w/out the upside-down face, obv) . . . all of his facial features are stuffed into the bottom third of his dome. He has an amazingly small face, and the back part of his head looks like a watermelon. Just a badly shaped dome - not good. Not good for anyone.

Also Bo Ryan (who JC calls "Bo Cryin" because he's a Marquette fan, and he's secretly gay) is wearing an amazing red blazer - he looks like Bad Santa, just unbelievable. However, he's way better off than A&M-CC's coach, who has the Gene Keady Memorial Comb-over going on . . . he looks like he's last in line at the buffet. Hopefully he can hook me up with a solid used car later, I could use the ride.

Also Wiscy's Kamm'ron Taylor is leading to dozens of "Hey ma" jokes that no one but me gets, and we're 0-for-the-day on Lisa Tucker shots - she looks like a fucked-up (old, fat) Lisa "left eye" Lopez, but has never burned down anybody's house, as far as I know.

Creighton looks pretty good and Nevada REALLY bad, but Omaha's Finest are only up one point - what the fuck is going on . . . jesus. Weird day so far.


Yeah . . . so Nevada's had the ball for about 10 minutes here, just killing the clock . . . looks like they'll get the last shot. Of course, their last 3 shots have all looked like back-alley abortions, but luckily they've had the ball bounce directly into their hands so whatever. Unreal - Fazekas could not be any less of a factor. He already has a beer in front of him - this guy's a first-round NBA player?

This just in - Justin declared "This game is not going to end well . . . for one team . . . "

How Zen - wow. We have drank ourselves retarded - we'll call for a shortbus cab to the bar later, should be rad.


After wondering all day what kind of ethnic background results in "Fazekas" they finally give us a terribly boring story about the Hungarian revolution - so yeah . . . Hungarian. Which results in this:

JC: "Put that in your bank . . . in your mind . . . bank. Mind bank."
Brent: "Yeah . . . you're basically a talking time out."