The Red Box Menace

This should come as no surprise to anybody, but I'm a nerd. A tremendous nerd - like, just short of comic-book nerd, but way beyond hipster-geek (also note that the very fact I can use these mile markers for different genres of 'nerd' is pretty fucking lame). One area in which I'm consistently dissatisfied with my own nerddom, though, is in film - I love movies. Seriously, I'm semi-hard at a great red-band trailer, and think that the movie is really the last form of transcendent art . . . plus, I laugh at farts, so that's cool too. However, I see far fewer movies than I really should - whether it's due to work, drinking too much, women, or simple laziness (or, likely, all of the above in some combination), I simply do not make the movies as much as I'd like.

Enter: Red Box. First, full disclosure: I'm fucking pissed I didn't think of this idea myself. That's really it - the best ideas are the simplest, and every redneck on EARTH will plop down $1 at the grocery store or McDonald's to see the latest regurgitated bit of shit that Hollywood has steamed onto their chests. Unreal. However, at the same time, the convenience and affordability really represent a new media era, especially as Sony and MS race to get streaming content from Netflix onto their respective platforms - movies are proliferating. This is a good thing - unless you're an idiot like me.

See, the Red Box Era creates a problem - the simplicity means that I can't justify not renting a movie when I have a free evening. After all, I need to catch up on all the shit I've missed, and it's a fucking dollar. However, the Red Box is generally picked over and has shitty selection to start - so we wind up with my last two rentals, which may be the two worst movies that have ever existed in any form anywhere. This is not exaggeration.

(WARNING: Fuck you. Obviously there will be 'spoilers' for the next few paragraphs as I purge my soul of the two films - it will not matter, as they are seriously that bad. I'd rather watch Holocaust footage on loop for days at the National Holocaust Museum than re-watch this garbage. So yeah.)

Flashbacks of a Fool: The Only Fool Was Me

Another confession, while I'm getting all Chris Carraba on your asses: there is a significant part of me that thinks Daniel Craig is the best James Bond, and by a good margin. This is even after the mediocrity of QoS - Casino Royale was actually that good. The brooding, complicated mess of the Craig Bond seriously tops the playboy perfection of Connery, at least in a theoretical sense in my mind - obviously there's no longevity yet, but I'm just laying it out there.

So yeah - the promise of Craig playing a disturbed, fucked-up washout actor with a 'seedy secret' prompted me to think, "Hey, self - this seems like a proven winning formula, there's no chance that a character-driven movie could write itself into oblivion, right?" Yeah. Whoops.

To make a long story short: NOTHING. FUCKING. HAPPENS. EVER. Short of some epic MILF boobs while Young Lead Character goes on a romp with the horny mom next door, absolutely nothing happens. Then, when the "dark secret" is revealed, it's not only a total and complete accident that Craig's character can't possibly consider to be his fault . . . but it involves a naval mine. Like, a mine that you would use to blow up ships. Like this:



Fuck my life. I actually laughed out loud at the denouement - I mean, a ship mine? Plus, this supposedly takes place in some ambiguous seaside village circa 1975-1980 (there is a complete anachronism dealing with timeframe for the flashback - whether this is intentional is completely up for grabs, but surprisingly, this is like the 30th worst part of the movie), and where in the hell would a naval mine from like WWII wind up but on a remote English seaside? Obviously. It's the worst Deus Ex Machina since the Tuck Rule Game against Oakland.

Finally, the movie (mercifully) just ends. I mean that literally - all the sudden, it's back to modern day, and the movie is over. We have no idea if the characters involved learned anything, or whether anything even really happened. We have no real reason to tie the (fucking terrible) plot twist to any sort of realization or character arc. It just . . . stops. It's just Daniel Craig and Eve the Rapper (with her tiger-paw boobie tattoos unfortunately hidden away) driving down the Santa Monica Freeway while I sat slack-jawed and tried to choke myself to death with my bare hands. Holy shit.

88 Minutes That Was More Like 130 That I'd Like Back

I don't even have a cute lead-in story for this one - I'd read the horrific reviews of this movie, but it was literally the only thing on the entire Red Box that I found remotely interesting that night, since I wasn't feeling Ed Norton as the Hulk (note: I'm an idiot). How bad could Pacino really be?

Answer: UNREAL.

Seriously - Pacino's limp-dick 'psychiatric profiler' performance is so badly mailed in that I'd almost have preferred Frank Caliendo doing his caricature of Pacino. The story is so fatally flawed that I wanted to punch myself in the penis during at least seven key points. The transparent attempts to connect the plot holes to Pacino's doting top student (whose unrequited love is so out-of-place, I kept waiting for the 'reveal' to be that she's a Mormon on Rumspringa and can bang with impunity) fall amazingly flat, as you know it's the weird-looking chick who sucks in everything as soon as she makes the crack about the "Law school" in the first 10 minutes. Even worse, the flashback scene unfolds so slowly and lamely that it actually began to make me upset - like "FUCK YOU, just stop with the slow-wipe camera work and the half-diffused look, we know they were drinking, GOD".

Add to this the fact that somehow, Pacino is tabbed as the "prime suspect" in the murders, yet convinces cops to just let him run free for no reason no fewer than FOUR TIMES (including one at gunpoint), and that the movie tries so hard to hide the ending that it becomes convoluted to the point of absurdity, and I can't even explain to you my utter disappointment. It might be the worst movie I've ever seen. Honestly, I can't even go into any more detail, other than to say that an Al Pacino movie was actually worse than a movie whose crux involved a fucking naval mine. Should this keep up, Pacino will rocket toward the early rounds in my death pool rankings for this year - fuck, I might just kill him myself, to preserve his legacy.

Movie Reviews: National Treasure and Charlie Wilson's War

Yeah, so it seems this is the time of year where I end up seeing an assload of movies. If I have to see that fucking video for The National Guard by Three Doors Down that they play before the previews one more time, I'm going to hunt down their lead singer and punch him in the balls.

Anyways, I decided to combine two movies into one post since one is utter shit and doesn't really deserve that much space. Which one was shit? You guessed it, the one with Nick Cage. Seriously, has this guy ever met a script he didn't like? As long as you pay him he will appear anything. I deem that the Samuel L. Jackson corollary.

I'll be honest, I enjoyed the first National Treasure movie. It was stupid as hell, but it was a good popcorn flick that injected some tidbits of American history in the fat faces of America. Sadly, this movie was just a dull retread of the first movie with even more implausible action set pieces (plus Nic Cage's hair, seriously that thing on his head is freaky). Even if you mildly enjoyed the first movie, skip this one.

On to the much better popcorn flick: Charlie Wilson's War. I had high hopes for this one , because it makes sense to turn a complicated geopolitical situation into a sex comedy. Fuck, it's the American way. It sounds like it could be a horrid misstep, but everyone really shines in this one. Phillip Seymour Hoffman steals the show as the crude CIA guy. Every time he is on the screen, you just can't help but laugh. If I had a vote, I'd give him the Golden Globe for best supporting actor.

The only thing that was a semi stumble for me on this one was the lack of discussion about the fallout from Charlie's actions. Most people know that the "freedom fighters" we armed during the 80s came back as the Taliban and our bestest buddy Osama later on. The movie gives you a couple scenes to drive this point home (best done in the scene in Afghanistan with Doc Long screaming "Allah Akbar"), but it needed more.

So in the end, what did I learn? Nic Cage is still a toolbag, and I would like to have drinks with Charlie Wilson. I'd say that it was a successful week at the movies.

Top Movies of 2007

So I can't give a final list yet since I'm not a critic and can't watch early screenings of a few movies I really want to see. Specifically There Will Be Blood and Charlie Wilson's War. So this is my list that could be updated after I see all the movies I want to see. Without further ado, my list for best movies:

1.) No Country For Old Men:

I'm a huge Coen Brothers nerd, so I was looking forward to this after their semi stumbles (although I didn't think Intolerable Cruelty was as bad as they say, but that is for another day). Plus Cormac McCarthy is one of my favorite writers nowadays so I think this was a great choice for them. The result is an amazing thriller that is not only intense but also thoughtful. The whole cast gets it just right and the script has a pitch perfect black comedy streak.

2.) Michael Clayton:

Intelligent, quiet character study/thriller with what I believe is the best villian in recent memory. If Tilda Swindon doesn't win something for that role, it will be a damn shame.

3.) Atonement:

After reading Ian McEwan novel, I had no idea how they were going to film this, but they did a damn fine job. I'm impressed they kept the ending intact seeing as it is pretty devestating, but they handled it well. The 5 minute tracking shot on the french beach is worth the price of admission alone.

4.) Juno:

To tell the truth, after the first five minutes, I was ready to punch this movie in the face. It was getting a little too quirky for me. However, after awhile it eased into the story and was pretty enjoyable. Not to mention that Michael Cera is great in anything. Again, the ending was what sold it to me. They didn't sell out and give it a happy one, and I think everyone involved could take something away with the bittersweet ending. Except Jason Bateman's character, he was just a creepy dick.

5.) Superbad:

I don't care what anyone says, this was the funniest movie of the year. I don't think I laughed harder at anything. The entire almost sex scene with Michael Cera had me in tears. If you can't find that uncomfortable comedy both painful and funny then you are truly dead inside.

Movie Review: I Am Legend

Let me preface this review by saying that I have read the book by Richard Matheson and think it is an excellent little horror story with a very satisfying ending. Of course they had to go and make the movie again, but this time move things to New York and cast Will Smith as Neville. I'll be honest, I'm not a huge Will Smith fan. He has ruined some good ideas (Wild Wild West) and tends to be more annoying in roles than impressive. So entering into this I was a little apprehensive.

Well, if this movie did little else, it at least convinced me that Will Smith can act and can easily hold the screen by himself for an hour or so. Most of the first half of the movie is just Will Smith and his dog. This is the part of the movie that I enjoyed the most. The shots of an abandoned New York were amazing and haunting and Will Smith actually conveys some emotion as a man trying as hard as possible to keep a grip on his sanity. Really, for me the movie ends when (spoiler) his dog Sam dies and he goes after the zombie/vampire/CGI shit monsters.

After that point, where they introduce God and tack on an annoying happy ending, it really is just a sucky summer blockbuster. I thought they might have had something, but of course they had to fuck it up in the end. I knew they couldn't have used the ending of the book (too much of a downer) but the ending they had and the way they tried to explain the title were just piss poor.

Note: Another huge problem I had with this movie is the CGI shit monsters. They looked just awful and not realistic. Did they really have to use CGI? Why not use makeup? CGI does not equal a better movie. They could have done a much better job and spent a lot less.

Movie Review: Transformers

Holy fucking shit, that movie sucked.

I mean, I was actually stupider for having watched that. This is coming from a guy who has watched National Lampoon's Dorm Daze all the way through (I have serious problems). What I can't believe is that this movie got decent reviews. Is everyone on crack? Or did Hasbro pay critics off with toys to give this steaming pile a good review?

I'd give a plot synopsis, but nothing really happens in this movie that makes a lick of sense. John Turturro (who blackmailed him to be in this turd?) gets doused in some sort of fluid from a transformers crotch. Yes, you heard me right. I think the plot might have involved some sort of cube that creates life in inanimate objects. Or something. I was too busy laughing hysterically whenever Optimus Prime spoke. Since this is a Michael Bay movie, I was hoping he would tell Shia he would "take pleasure in gutting you, boy". Sadly it was not to be.

The only saving graces of this movie is the animated performance of Shia Lebouf and the ridiculous hotness of Megan Fox. I'd probably watch this movie again if I could just splice all of Megan Fox's scenes together and play the soundtrack from the original animated movie in the background.

So, don't watch this movie. Just play with your Transformers in your mother's basement you freaking loser.

Movie Review: Knocked Up

I'll be the first one to admit it, I've never seen "Freaks and Geeks". I'm pretty sure this makes me the worst person to ever live. However, I have seen "40 Year Old Virgin" and I loved it (I wasn't a huge fan of "Undeclared" but that is another post). Judd Apatow is really good at combining a sweet touching story with amazingly hilarious filth.

So you can I see that I was quite excited to see Knocked Up, especially since Seth Rogen is a model jew for all us out there looking to sleep with really hot blond chicks. I have to say that this movie delivers in the same way as "40 Year Old Virgin". It even has the same back and forth with Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd on the whole subject of who is gay. The one thing I do think they improved upon in this movie is the back and forth with the wider group of friends. I really believe they should make a sequel of just Seth Rogen and all of his friends.

Seth Rogen fits pretty well as a leading man, even if he is an unlikely one. On the ladies, I really think that Apatow's wife really outshines Heigl. I mean, the five minute rant in front of the club had me rolling. Don't get me wrong, Heigl does a good job as a serious foil to Rogen, but besides that I wasn't that impressed.

In the end I felt the same way about this as 4o Year, it is hilarious at points, but they definitely could have cut out a half an hour without losing too much. Oh and I did learn to have a spotter if I was going to masturbate with a noose.

P.S. Don't do a google image search for "Knocked Up" with the safety filter off. I'm going to go cry in the corner now. Stupid Interwebs.

Movie Review: Grindhouse

I was really really excited for this movie. I saw some bits on the Internet back in November or December, and from that point on I couldn't wait. Yeah, I'm a movie geek, wanna fight about it?

Well, it pretty much delivered what I expected which was just insanity. Granted, I am a little too young to remember the days of the actual grindhouse movies from the seventies and early eighties, but I have seen my share of terrible movies on cable from that era to get the general idea. From what I can piece together this movie captures the experience pretty well, right down to the cheesy "Our Feature Presentation" place cards.

It also has four trailers that should all be made into movies (I think a Machete movie is in the works, uh fuck yeah). In my opinion the Thanksgiving trailer is the best simply because it takes every horror movie cliche from the 80s and throws it together. If you are as demented as I am, you will laugh your head off.

I guess I should break down my thoughts in two bits like the movie itself.

Planet Terror:

Standard zombie movie and Rodriguez pulls it off pretty well. The acting is wooden and the special effects are both disgusting and very cheesy. The plot makes no sense whatsoever (what the fuck does Bin Laden have to do with it?). Oh, and Rose McGowan is hot. I mean I knew this way back when Scream came out, but I'm glad she is back up on the big screen instead of banging Marylin Mason. That really creeped me out. I think my favorite parts are:

1.) The missing reel from the middle of the movie which seems to have contained the story behind Wray's mysterious past. Hilarious, especially since they keep referencing the story the rest of the movie without revealing it again.

2.) The little kid shooting himself in the head. I don't know why it cracked me up, but you knew it was going to happen and it made little to no sense. I liked that his mother kept carrying his body around after that.

3.) Jar of testicles. Yes, why not.

4.) The bad jokes. You know they are coming and it still makes you cringe and smile all the same.

Death Proof:

Well, going into a Tarantino movie you should know that his characters will talk at great length and throw in references to movies you have probably never seen while an awesome soundtrack of songs you have never heard are playing in the background. Not to mention numerous toe shots, the man has a serious foot fetish. Most of Death Proof delivers this and if it doesn't sound like your type of movie than skip it.

The other bits of the movie involve a horrific crash, which will definitely make you a little nauseous and an amazing car chase done without CGI if the articles I have read online are right. If Zoe Bell really did those stunts I might have a rather sizable crush on her. It helps she looks like Uma Thurman (she is her stunt double) and has a kiwi accent.

So, what did I think? Well, it is fucking long. That's ok though, I was still smiling walking out and glad that two grown up kids can get their masturbatory fantasy made into a hilarious movie. I mean, the whole experience isn't that deep and the fact that I would watch it again means they have accomplished their goal. It's nice to see that maybe Hollywood still has a little bit of a soul left (probably not thought).

Movie Review: 300

All I can say is, damn they killed a ton of people. I don't think I have ever seen so many limbs chopped off in slow motion. I think the pinnacle of the loss of body parts was when a giant monster gets his head cut off, in what else, slow motion.

Don't get me, slow motion camera work is great. It works to create tension and is a great dramatic effect. However, it is not that great when you use it probably about 4 billion times in one movie. It tends to cause scenes to blend together.

Now, I didn't exactly hate this movie. I do like Frank Miller (Sin City is amazing). It is quite beautiful to look at, especially the gratuitous breast shots. Hey, they even have some man ass for the ladies out there.

However, this movie is extremely repetitive and doesn't really seem to have any sort of underlying point. The dialogue is laughable, and not in the fun way like Sin City. King Leonidas has some good lines, but nothing exactly memorable. Plot devices used to move the "story" ahead are amazingly moronic (why would you carry your bribe around with you when it could easily give away what was going on?). Also, why was Xerxes a seven foot tall gay indian man who was seemingly into S&M?

I wish I knew more about the Battle of Thermopylae so I could seem smart when dissecting this movie. In the end I think I would give it two stars, mostly for the tits and the early cool slow motion scenes before they killed it.