FATALITY!

In one of my favorite moments, well, ever, RHP Shawn Chacon did what every Phillies fan has wanted to do for years: he pretty much beat the piss out of General Manager Ed Wade. Basically, Chacon had sucked - a 5.04 ERA and 1.51 WHIP with a 1.2:1 K/BB ratio defines "suck" - and was upset that Wade and manager Cecil Cooper had the gall to move him to the bullpen, where he was markedly better last year in Pittsburgh. I'd be pissed, too, if management decided to put me in a much better position to succeed (especially when they're paying me $4 million for the right to suck). Right on, Shawn!

Here's how the man himself described the situation (from Baseball Musings):

"He started yelling and cussing," Chacon said of Wade. "I'm sitting there and I said to him very calmly, 'Ed, you need to stop yelling me. Then I stood up and said 'you better stop yelling at me.' I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling and stuff and was like, 'You need to (expletive) look in the mirror.' So at that point I lost my cool and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him because at that point I wanted to beat his (butt). Words were exchanged."

Players quickly intervened to separate Wade and Chacon, who remembers being pulled away by backup outfielder Reggie Abercrombie.

Baseball aficionados will note that this is the first outfield assist Reggie Abercrombie's had all year - seriously, the dude sits while Michael Bourn puts up an insane .234/.289/.317 line that doesn't even earn a Jason Bourne joke this early in the morning - but even more important, look at the chain of events according to Chacon:

1. I'm calm
2. I'm calm
3. He's a dick, but I'm calm and stand up.
4. Still standing, still calm.
5. I attempt to kill a man.

Now, there's a fantastic saying in my line of work, related to the horrifying inconsistency and unreliability of eye-witness testimony - the classic "three sides to every story" line, about your side, my side, and the truth. However, Chacon's version of events absolutely makes me giggle to such an extent that I can only pray it's the exact truth - an old, douchey white guy screaming at a grown man earning millions, who pulls a motion-picture glare and warning before dropping the dude? This is why sports are awesome.

Ed Wade is legitimately a terrible GM - I mean, seriously - although his recent moves with the Astros have seemed moderately inspired, given the Astros' awful ownership mandate that they were indeed a contender when almost no measure agreed. In fact, I think he likely deserved an ass kicking, if for no other reason than the fact that he gets jobs over and over again while talented people like Kim Ng are left toiling as assists simply so the "old guard" can recycle the same shitty names over and over again.

However, to have a player listed at 6'3" and 200 lbs. drop the man over a demotion to the bullpen is just unbelievable - it's Latrell Sprewell all over again, but moving into the front office. Unlike Spre, I can't imagine Chacon will ever get another shot to play - after all, Sprewell was actually something resembling an elite talent at the time, while Chacon may define "fungible" - but this sets a new tone for clubhouses everywhere. Closed-door meetings will have beefy security guards, and office doors will be locked. Combine this with Milton Bradley attempting to attack an opposing team's announcer, and you're not even safe if you work upstairs. Stat nerds, beware - you might be able to statistically prove a player sucks, but don't say it out loud (or on a blog) or your ass will be choke-slammed.

This is, coincidentally, why the Blue Jays now cannot trade for Adam Dunn either way - he'd tear Ricciardi limb from limb. Now there's a limited no-trade clause.