It's Schadenfreude, Bitches!

If there's anything those wacky Germans have done to make our lives infinitely better, other than (obviously) giving idiots the ultimate endgame to any online discussion, it would have to be the concept of Shadenfreude, allowing me a justification for my near-constant reveling in the difficulties, downfalls and disasters befalling others.

Well, Milwaukee fans, welcome to the shit show that is Eric Gagne circa today. While the Brews eventually pulled out the game in the 10th (War Plan Orange, anyone?), it was not before Kosuke Fukudome played Admiral Yamamoto to Gagne's USS Oklahoma,
rocking a 3-run bomb in the bottom of the 9th in his first MLB game. Fukudome went 3-for-3, accounting for all of the Cubs' offense.

The Fukudome signing was an inspired move by the Cubs, to be sure, but most projections show The Admiral (as I will now fruitlessly refer to him for about 3 weeks, until I am beaten by everyone I watch games with) as someone with about 15 HR power over the course of the season (but with great OBP - pretty much exactly what CHC needed, to be honest, which is why the signing was stunning at best). However, the $10 million to let Gagne get Pearl Harbor'ed by a moderate-power guy playing his first game against true major-league talent . . . well, that's not so much a great move. After watching dipshit have the confused look in the photo above for the Sox for a couple of months, I couldn't be any happier for the fine cheese-eating, beer-drinking, hedgehog-of-a-wife-fucking denizens of Wisconsin. Love your lineup, hate your closer, dudes - enjoy the 85-win season and underplaying your Pythagorean record by about 5 games (or, the difference between yourselves and the Cubs).

In other notes, Ben Sheets looked great, Josh Willingham needs to be on your fantasy radar if you're looking for off-the-shelf power in the OF/UTIL slots after taking Johan Santana deep (and with a solid PECOTA projection), the Giants may never score another run, trade Jim Thome immediately if you find someone silly enough to want him, and Chris B. Young is obviously on pace for 162 HRs, with a .250 OBP and nearly 500 strikeouts - and, really, only the HR number seems completely unreasonable (and not even by that much). By the way, I drafted him before the 6th round in a bunch of fantasy drafts - I would make out with the guy if I got the chance. He's Adam Dunn with stolen bases, and without hilarious quotations about being the most attractive All Star. He's the evolutionary Rob Deer, except he can actually play defense, run, whatever. It's an exciting time for Three True Outcomes devotees.

Thank God for baseball season - one day in, and I'm already stoked.