Oh. My. Science.

So there's been a lot going on, and a lot of catching up to do . . .

Manny. Fuck.

Just in case you're the last apologist on the planet, now it's pretty safe to assume that anybody on Earth who had a.) money and b.) any common sense is, has or tried to beat the MLB drug testing policy. That's just how it was - it happened. To be honest, I would have done it too - both for the drive to become the best, and because HOLY SHIT TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS. That doesn't mean it's right, and there is absolutely no way to endorse its effects on children (which is really the true downside to athletes using), but there it is.

There are SO MANY great things about the Manny story, though. First, his excuse is, essentially, a "piss-the-bed" excuse - it requires about the same level of self-delusion as the time you woke up after a night of drinking and thought, "hey, I really sweated a lot last night - it is kind of hot out here, after all, and I'm nearly certain the sweat isn't localized in the crotch region either *whistles*" . . . and I assume everyone's been there. Oh, you haven't? Awkward. Manny's supposed infertility is awesome - dude's not even 40, and already has a kid. Good work, Boras - apparently your deal with Satan does not include believable lies.

Luckily, it appears that NO ONE CARES! Seriously - it was a two-day story and now . . . gone. Does this mean we're finally getting over the media-fueled hysteria and can start to focus on real issues (like, oh, teaching kids the dangers of steroids, or teaching players how to do them more safely so they don't die at age 44)? Probably not - it's likely apathy. What a world.

The most interesting part though? If reports that the MLB investigation was triggered by elevated synthetic testosterone levels are accurate, then holy shit . . . that means whatever steroid Manny is using is NOT CURRENTLY DETECTABLE BY MLB. All he had to do was keep that 4:1 ratio, and no one would have ever found out. We always suspected that, much like the Acme Anvil Company versus the Road Runner, rogue chemists were multiple steps ahead of testing. This is literal proof - this is the puff of smoke the Road Runner left behind, or the sour taste in your mouth left after a continuation of that hack analogy. Apparently, still - no one cares.

A-Rod. Fuck You.


Selena Roberts still, well, sucks - seriously, her righteous indignation over the "culture of masculine impropriety-slash-rich people are awesome-tude" during the Duke Lacrosse Shitshow makes Louis Farrakhan look like MLK (note: that comparison brought to you by the Rooney Rule). However, the A-Rod book (awesomely titled "A-Rod" - no shit!) is simply brilliant. If we ignore, well, any semblance of journalistic integrity, and simply take all this shit at face value, we learn:

-A-Rod had a clubhouse attendant put toothpaste on his toothbrush after every game. This is not only epic douchebaggery (not even the richest, most entitled fuck on Wall Street really thinks he's above toothpasting), it's also just amazing. Like, the first thing you're thinking after a game, at 11pm or whatever, is "boy, I really want to brush my teeth, but I'd like that to be facilitated for me so it is just a little bit less demanding of me and my time"? Shouldn't a wealthy pro athlete think "boy, I should send that clubbie out for hobags" instead?

-His pickup line was something along the lines of "who's hotter, me or Jeter?" Durrr, he fucked Mariah Carey and Jessica Biel while you traipsed around with manly Canadian strippers, you dense fuck. Boy, I wonder - who could it possibly be?

-Seriously, it just keeps going from there . . . Bitch Tits? Awesome.

Random Spurts and Such

- You’ve probably heard that Bob Huggins has left Kansas State for the greener pastures of West Virginia. In fact, if I’m saying “greener pastures” and “West Virginia,” I should probably make some sort of cow joke, but I digress…I’m just hoping that the guys who are so wound up about players leaving college early are going to be getting on Huggins’ case this time around. He was kicked out by Cincy, with his reputation in the gutter, and K-State showed up with a good job for good money. I don’t begrudge anyone following their hearts/minds/money, but if we’re going to criticize early entrants into the draft, we should be doing the same to guys like Huggins.

- The debate is going to rage on no matter what, but I don’t think you can pass up Greg Oden, even for a talent like Kevin Durant. Durant’s skills are unquestioned, as are the results; averaging over 25 points and 11 rebounds per game, including some impressive games against the likes of Texas A&M, USC, Gonzaga, and other strong competition. However, I don’t think you can pass up a true center like Oden, especially one as skilled as Oden. His performance in the Florida game (notwithstanding Thad Matta not giving him a rest) just confirmed things. Centers who are his size, with his skills, don’t come around too often, and are one of the rarest qualities in the NBA these days. Durant can play, but there are more and more guys who can play the 3 or 4 spots like him. The team with the top pick should make the leap, take the big man, and go from there.

- The Dice-K era began in Boston with a bang, and while Sox fans shouldn’t expect 10 K’s every time out, it should be remembered that this guy is GOOD. Everyone, from Baseball Prospectus to ESPN to the grouchy old baseball writers are high on him. Are we looking at the next Pedro or Rocket? Probably not, but we’re looking at a top tier starter, and that in itself should be good enough for Sox fans.

- If you had told me three years ago I would pick Jose Reyes with my top pick in my fantasy draft, that I would get multiple trade offers for him, and that I would reject them all, I don’t think I would have believed you.

- Just a heads up to anyone who is thinking of going to law school; don’t be that guy/girl who raises their hand on every question. Also, don’t be that guy/girl who criticizes everyone else’s viewpoints. Remember, these are the people who you will be practicing with and against when you get out of school. Best not to have people hating you at the end of first year.