Pure Madness, Like "Our House" or Maybe "One Step Beyond"

10:26 pm

So it's now officially a nightmare - just dead bodies everywhere. Troy's down, Jared's GONE, and life is easy.

Tony's fiance is wearing a t-shirt that says "Tri-City" on it - she explains it with "well, there were three cities in my area."

Tony notes, "What if there were two cities? Then it would be 'Bi-city' - which is awesome."

Also I added ND at -7, and JJ and TB took just about the full gamut of terrible o/u bets (UCLA over 126, Wisconsin under 136) . . .

7:15 pm

A little background: in the wayback, Brent and I both took time out of our busy schedules of not sufficiently pleasuring our significant others to dog sit for Tony and his fiance. Brent took Friday, and I took Saturday.

I had an uneventful Saturday - I drank beers with some friends, made it back to take care of the dog, fell asleep in the guest room . . . the dog, who is roughly Cujo crossed with the Indian from the Village People, can't be away from people or it shits/pisses everywhere. So, as a result, it slept across my body - it was borderline sweet, or maybe weird, I don't really know. Either way, it wasn't a problem in the slightest.

The next day, Brent called me and this conversation happened (verbatim):

B: "Hey . . . was the dog weird last night?"
R: "Well, he was a little forward - he slept with me."
B: "(sigh) Oh awesome - he was super odd with me, he was all over me."
R: "Uh, I was kidding - he just slept at the foot of the bed, what the fuck?"
B: "Oh - uh, well, I woke up with the dog spooning me. Like, he was behind me, with one paw over my body, caressing me. We were spooning."

Obviously this was the funniest thing I've ever seen - anyway, the dog just went apeshit toward Michael Beasley (RACIST OBV), and Brent laughed kind of uncomfortably, resulting in this comment:

Brent: "You don't know what it's like to make a walk of shame after the dog."

Also he's a fucking mess - he's a puddle like the Wicked Witch of the West. He'll be Rumplestiltsken within the half-hour. Just unreal.

KState looks great even with Beasley in foul trouble, A&M is just puking all over itself, and WSU makes me want to abuse my pets - what an awkward evening. Tony's in full-on "press" mode - every bet is for the roll (obv a reload later).

By the way - Tony just got a little live with Brent, telling him the reason A&M isn't ahead is because the Mormons "put the orange thing in the hoop."

Well, Brent replied with "I put my little red thing in your mom's vagina over and over again, and I never won anything."

It's going to be like that, apparently.

3:56 pm

Well, Baylor can die in a fire - my plan of "fade the Big Ten" is running hot like Hindenburg. The moral? Lots of variance in sports betting. On the bright side, I accosted Tony (in the mouth, obv) in the UNLV game, and I'm approximately even on the day (minus juice, so like -$3 on the day).

Except for I'm down $20 to Brent on a sick prop bet, where I thought the black kid in the Subway "CONGRATS FOR 10 YEARS OF NOT DYING, JARED!" commercial was actually a midget (specifically, Gary Coleman) - apparently, it's just a kid. Easy mistake to make, really.

So there's that - I'll keep you updated when the bloodbath ends. Tony just tilted off his case money, taking Stanford at -15 in a desperate attempt to actually win a game. Clearly, stay away from Stanford tonight - basically, the Lopez brothers are effectively covered in AIDS.

Also, I think I'm on beer 9, and I'm leaning like a V8 commercial. I can only imagine bad things happening from this point - right now, I'm Bobby Hurley getting drafted by the Kings. An hour from now, I'll be Car Accident Bob Hurley. Which is nice.


2:42 pm

Troy might have to head home for a minute to "help pump" for his newborn - I have no idea what that even means. This started a conversation between the new dads about pumping . . . which is just great, really. It's not that it's gross, as much as I just can't imagine these two kids having children. I'm already composing an affidavit for Child Services.

Tony asked JC if he'd ever just wanted to try it himself, and if he would help pump. JC noted that wouldn't work, because "she gets milk, I would just get blood."

After a stunned silence where all eyes were on him, he asked, "wait, did you mean pumping my boob?"

Uh, no.

PS - Marquette is struggling and looking every bit as up-and-down and awkward as they have all season (JC looks like he's going to choke himself to death), Baylor is raping my face, but I've reset on the bright side UNLV is making me look like a genius. Thanks for the free money, kenpom.com!

Additionally, Tom Crean looks exactly like Dwight Schrute. This has caused an uproar of jokes, including:

-"Tom, did the other guys put all your shit in Jello molds?"
-"Coach Crean, let's form an alliance against downsizing!"
-"Ousman, which is the most dangerous bear? FALSE - Black Bear."
-"Ape and I are heading to Coach Crean's bed and breakfast this weekend . . . "

1:50 pm

Quick re-post - Brent bought McDonald's for everyone for breakfast, which is amazing because a.) he weighs 135 lbs. at 5'10" but eats garbage all day and b.) it's not Tasty Tacos, and the guy eats Tasty's like it's covered in oxycontin. Seriously, it's impressive, but in that kind of awkward-impressive way, like fake boobs or being really good at Guitar Hero.

Anyway, Brent ate approximately 50% of a steak burrito before he hit an "onion pocket" - no joke there, just follow with me - and he's been trying to pass that off on someone else since 9:45. Well, Troy, who is lovingly known as the "trashcan with legs," not only just ate it, but ate it without microwaving it.

I think he'll probably get trichinosis and die - yes, I know that's from pork. I'm pretty sure McD's steak is like 30% pork, and if it's not, well . . . Troy's got worms.

1:40 pm

WOW - What an early session . . . TB and I both took a bath on Temple at +7, who couldn't actually guard MSU's big guys in the slightest, but Xavier pulled the MIRACLE COMEBACK for the most insane cover in history.

So I split, losing the juice - the sportsbook wins again. Weird, they're good at what they do.

TB and I are playing on the same Bodog account, and wanted opposite action on UNLV/Kent State - so now the wager is on, with me taking UNLV +2.5 (so add that to the issue).

Troy showed up - he's a monster, who managed to take his Mike's Hard Lemonade starter beer and chug it in 13 seconds. Justin noted, "it took me 3 hours to drink 4 beers - you're on three in less than 5 minutes." It's the truth - Troy just had a kid too so shit will hit the fan.

JC is a Marquette fan (he's an alum, although we've never seen his actual diploma, so who knows) which means we're all painting ourselves Kentucky Blue and raping our cousins. In honor of Kentucky and Rick Pitino, I picked Louisville to go to the Final Four in a few pools, plus I'm slicking my hair back and planning on sucking like Ashley Alexandra Dupre at my next job. Also I might have intercourse with an animal - I think that's Kentucky, but also, y'know . . . Penthouse Letters.

Dan just arrived too - he has to blow into his steering wheel before he can drive. This is pretty rad - he constantly makes "wanna get some fucking . . . FRENCH TOAST" jokes, so at least he has a good sense of humor about his willingness to put his own life and the lives of others in danger. He's degen like rheumatoid arthritis, which is fantastic. Just a good dude, minus the "blow-n-go" thing.

JC just yelled, "GO UP STRONG WHITE BOY . . . YES! YES!"

Ever see a grown man cry? Here comes . . . he just claimed he "only" pouted for 6 hours last year after Marquette lost. It was more like 26 hours. He might rape a kid if this gets any worse - he's an only child. Clearly.

11:50am

And it has begun - Zima does not, in fact, actually exist any more, which was a surprise to not only me, but also the gruff old fuck I asked at the Last Stop Liquors next to the Iowa State Fairgrounds. Just so you know, it's probably kind of racist that we decided to look there. My bad. He didn't even say no, he just shook his head in a kind of sad, downtrodden, confused, "wanted to stab us" way.

So the initiation beer is now . . . "reach into a box and pull out a rando Mike's from the pick-a-mix collection of shit beers." I just finished a Mike's Cranberry - it can officially touch me where I pee.

The Xavier pick looks fucking awful - down 6 with 6:06 left in the first half. Minus one unit, apparently - however, Temple looks solid on MSU, playing some solid D. They really need to stay out of foul trouble, however.

All three games are up on the TVs just fine - we had one issue, where JC decided to follow DirecTV's instructions to "press RED button to find out more!" about AXE deodorant and the TV was locked on a fucking commercial for about a half an hour. It took the DirecTV manual, the Internet, and a little luck to get it un-stuck. His explanation? There was a chick wearing a towel on the side of the screen. Weird, married guy - who would have thought?

The lineup:
Me: Retarded.
Brent: Angry at the world, and pro-all things Missouri Valley. This is why people don't care about the Midwestern states. Just got pissed about a UPS commercial, because "everybody delivers to Portland."
Tony: Basement will soon have poop on the walls, thanks to this group of orangutans. Probably as nerdy as me, but much better at basketball.
JC: Just had a baby, so his drinking regimen has declined profusely. He likes to get naked and hide in his pantry.
Jared: Degenerate. Wearing tear-away pants. He's drinking out of a mug shaped like a ceramic boob. Like, you drink out of the nipple.

So there's that.

9:04am

So yeah - I just made a reference to two different '80s ska songs, which means today is going to be a looooooooong day. I'm sitting at my desk finishing up recommendations for a $30 million lawsuit, then I'm going to head to a semi-finished basement and yell, drink, gamble and just generally appear to be a nightmare. Meanwhile, updates will be posted here - what a country!

Last year's shitshow is up for all to see - so we're going to try it again. Why not? We've got four TVs set up ranging from wall-projector huge to airport-terminal tiny, with theater-style seating for somewhere between 8 and 25 and two Wiis set up for when UNC is inevitably the only game running at the dinner break and they're already up by 29.

My Thursday action so far:

-Xavier -8.5
-Temple +7
-Baylor +3
-KState +3.5
-WSU -9

So the countdown begins - not the countdown to the games, mind you, but the countdown to the beginning of the party. This year's initiation: your first drink has to be a warm Zima. I didn't even know they sold Zima anymore - I figured these guys were the last official Zima drinkers. Apparently I'm about to be proven wrong.

I hope it goes well with McGriddles, because G-d damn it, that's what it's getting.

Here's the track of the day to get you started:
Cheeseburger - Tiger