Friday, May 25, 2007

Why Canada is the Real Loser in the Stanley Cup Finals

One of two things will happen depending on what team ultimately hoists Lord Stanley's Chalice. 1) A team captained by a player born outside of North America will win the Stanley Cup for the first time ever or 2) A team named after a Disney franchise starring Emilio Estevez will win. Given the choices, Canada is in a no win situation.
As the red-headed step child of North America, Canada has an inferiority complex to rival France. While the French are rude and snobby, making it much easier to dislike them, Canadians are for the most part very polite and patriotic to a fault. They are almost like the mildly retarded kid every one can cheer for because they are doing their best with what they have even if some of things they say are ridiculous. When their done they still get a cookie and milk. To make matters worse, their is a whole province of Canada that was settled primarily by the French (For those of you that are unaware provinces are similar to states in the US).
As an example of how a typical Canadian thinks, we should look at the views espoused by the person voted to be one of the top 10 Canadians all-time. I of course mean the flamboyantly dressed Don Cherry. Among the many things Don has been happy to harp on in the past is that Europeans are soft and are ruining the game of hockey. With the European Daniel Alfredsson leading the Senators into the finals, this creates quite the dilema for any lemming-like Canadian that is anti-europeans but pro-canadian sports teams. The best Canadians can hope for is a repeat of the 1919 Stanley Cup finals that was cancelled due to the Spainish Flu epidemic. This will ensure that the neither the Disney Ducks or the Euro-trash Senators win. The Sabres will be rewarded the Stanley Cup by virtue of their regular season triumphs. And there was much rejoicing.

1 comment:

Mitch Kayak said...

This is an excellent plan.

I think Heatley should also be killled via car accident. quid pro quo