Monday, April 9, 2007

Frequently Asked Questions: Jesus will "Make it Rain"

I was watching a repeat of the Colbert Report early tonight and Madeline Albright was on to talk about the crisis with Iran. During the interview she mentioned that 100,000,000 Americans believed in The Rapture.

I was surprised by this, could it really be true that 100 million people in this country believe that the end of the world is imminent and they will magically float into heaven? I mean, I know the Left Behind series is amazingly popular and many people refer to themselves as "born again". But 100 million?

So I went to the interwebs. Now I know, the interwebs isn't really the best place for accurate statistics or even fully formed ideas (like this blog!). I didn't stumble across Madame Secretary's statistic but I did come across which has amused me greatly. There are many great little tidbits on this site including a list of possible Antichrists that includes both Barney and FDR (personally I think FDR and Barney are in a secret cult that runs the world, but that is a story for another day).

The best part is the FAQs. A few are listed below:

"How do you plan to maintain the site after The Rapture?"

Obviously a very important point. Personally I think I should be allowed to run with his message after he is "raptured" up into heaven. I mean I'll be here right? Let me spice it up a bit, maybe some dancing hamsters or perhaps that video of the monkey drinking its own pee. That cracks me up.

"Is money utilized in Heaven?"

I'm pretty sure Jesus rolls 12 deep into clubs and will "make it rain" while turning water into wine for dem bitches.

"Is the modern celebration of Easter pagan?"

Uh. Yes since it falls on the pagan holiday of Eastre. But the site warns us not to get carried away by the pagan images of bunnies and pastel colors! Ah, it burns!

"Is drinking beer or wine a sin?"

That's just crazy talk, the site actually says getting drunk is wrong. What is wrong with you people? How else am I supposed stop feeling feelings?

"Why is Batman just Batman but Robin is the Boy Wonder?"

I shit you not, it is there. I'll answer this. Batman don't need no nicknames. He will break your skull if you ask again.

"Can anything be done about the decline of morality on TV?"

I hope not. Tits, gun fights and explosions are exciting and fun for the whole family.

And finally,

"Can I just have fun while I am young and then get saved later?"

Fuck yeah, now we are talking. I didn't even read the answer, I'll just assume he said yes.

So what did I learn? Not much. Mostly that I am not rapture ready, and apparently I might be the Antichrist. Oh and this country scares the living crap out of me sometimes.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

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